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Band 4

Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is more important. Others say that spending time with friends and family is more important.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #time #career #friends
Some
people
 of
opinion
Add an article
the opinion
show examples
 that we should devote all our
time
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 developing our
career
 while others are of
believe
Change the verb form
believing
show examples
 that one should engage all the
time
 with family and
friends
, I am thinking there should be
balance
Add an article
a balance
show examples
 between
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 two aspects of life and I will elaborate my views
further
 in
this
 essay. Developing
successful
Add an article
a successful
show examples
career
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 today's one of the important
goal
Change to a plural noun
goals
show examples
 for
majority
Add an article
the majority
show examples
 of individuals and they try to devote all their energy and
time
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 achieving
this
 goal, during their
career
 progression
time
 they tend to neglect all kinds of family
get-together
Fix the agreement mistake
get-togethers
show examples
 and parties and other social occasions as they think
this
 type of attendance will divert their focus and waste of
time
. In the
end
Add a comma
,
show examples
such
 carrier oriented
people
 don'
t
 have any
Close
Correct your spelling
close
show examples
friends
 and family bonding and at the
end
 of
day
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the day
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 when they achieve their
success
Add a comma
,success
show examples
 they don'
t
 find anyone to cherish their achievements. At
this
 moment they start
filling
Correct your spelling
feeling
show examples
 bored and start seeking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
friends
 and family for
Add an article
the
a
show examples
company as others have already their own arrangements they don'
t
 find them . If
people
 dealt all the
time
 with socialization and party culture they don'
t
 find enough
time
 and energy for
Correct article usage
a
show examples
carrier and
then
end
 up in low paid survival jobs and they keep looking for companions and
friends
 for enjoyment but their average social status and income can'
t
 afford those and in the
end
Add a comma
,
show examples
these group of
people
 remains isolated.as they haven reputed jobs and position
people
 around their circle just bypass them. In conclusion
Add a comma
,
show examples
I would like to go with maintaining
Add an article
a
the
show examples
balance between social life and
career
 path so you can have
friends
 and family around to share your life achievements and still you remain stable on your
career
 track.
Submitted by Mahesh02o on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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