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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#sports #players #products
Once a
sports
 player becomes
wide
Replace the word
widely
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 known for their achievements, many businesses are lining up for sponsorship. Certainly, there are some benefits,
as well as
down backs
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
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 of an athlete or a
sports
 star
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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collaborating with brands and enterprises. The main benefit for a
brand's
Change noun form
brand
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 ambassador or promoter is financial help. To join the professional
sports
 industry, physics, strength and
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
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 are necessary for anyone,
however
Add a comma
however,
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 who is going to take the bills ?An Olympic,
for example
,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
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 must face a range of different expenses
such
 as professional equipment and uniform, accommodation and transfer during competitions, preparing for the season and others.
Therefore
 family and government provide
for
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apply
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the conditions to start
the
Correct article usage
a
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 career.
Then
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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focus on practical efforts, not money. Most
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 players tend to take advantage of any opportunity they are given, in order to follow their path. On another hand, marketing physical activities and
sports
, gained insane popularity among people of all ages and races across the globe in less than a century.
In other words
, the promotion of
sports
 products is a way for the sport to
being
Wrong verb form
be
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 advertised.
Moreover
, it has significantly affected the industry, popularizing fitted bodies and active hobbies.
Although
 it has been benefiting society, some items like protein bars or
sports
 food are considered harmful,not only not banned from
media
Correct article usage
the media
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 but
also
 some athletes are used
to
Change preposition
apply
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as an image to hide
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 detrimental
down
Change preposition
apply
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backs. In conclusion, I think that there are more advantageous for outstanding athletes to be financially supported, but it is important to filter the chosen product or brand to advertise.
Submitted by nargizataishybay on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more effective in setting up and wrapping up the essay. The main points are supported but could be linked more effectively to improve overall coherence and cohesion.
task response
The essay mostly addresses the task but could provide a more complete response by exploring the disadvantages in more depth and providing more specific examples to support the points.
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