IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that this is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Do you agree?

#people #women #parents #men #role #children #societies
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A
big
Correct word choice
large
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 amount of
people
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 consider that women’s role in parenting is more important than men’s.
However
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, others disagree with
this
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 statement and are sure that both parents are in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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equal conditions and have the same abilities to bring up
kids
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. I will elaborate on these two thoughts and share my opinion in the following paragraphs. To start with, the first group of
people
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 can actually have
such
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 an opinion
due to
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 life experience. Nowadays, too many
kids
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were
Wrong verb form
are
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 raised only by
mum
Correct pronoun usage
their mum
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 as their dad either did not want to take part in bringing up his child or just left the family.
For instance
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, both adults communicate with the baby from birth,
however
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, when the kid becomes older, the vast majority of males do not have a desire to do it.
Next,
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many
people
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 all over the world are struggling with gender equality, even in
kids
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 raising. Lots of young
people
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 are greatly aware that their role in the family depends only on individuals and their aspirations.
Furthermore
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, some countries started to provide maternity leave not only for women but
also
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 for their husbands.
For example
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, in Norway and Iceland, there is a concept called “daddy quotas”, following which,
dad
Correct article usage
a dad
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 must look after his kid for 14 weeks - exactly
a
Correct article usage
apply
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half of maternity leave.
To conclude
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, in my opinion, I am incredibly delighted with
fact
Add an article
the fact
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 that more and more dads are involved in raising
kids
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 now. Hopefully, in the future, there
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 be a significant number of happy families as the world is changing and so are the minds of
people
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.
Submitted by mats180707 on

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Essay Structure
Task Response: The essay adequately addresses the topic, providing arguments for both sides of the issue. However, it could benefit from a clearer and more balanced presentation of the two perspectives.
Essay Structure
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a basic logical structure, but the introduction and conclusion could be more developed. Additionally, the supporting examples are somewhat relevant, but they could be more cohesive and effectively connected to the main points.
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