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Band 6

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#children #time #computer #games #sports #development
Playing
games
 and
sports
 contributes more to
children
's mental and physical health. In
this
 modern world, offspring give more importance to playing
computer
games
 rather than
sports
. I think
this
 is a negative development, because of the new invention of virtual
games
 that look more attractive. The main reason is personal
computer
games
 are more attractive and addictive than
sports
 because they make them feel happy and give more rewards for their winnings.
Moreover
, they do not want to spend time on physical activities.
This
 advanced technology allows
children
 to connect to people across the globe than playing outdoor
games
 which
also
 gives them a chance to get to know people.
For instance
, later the survey says more than 60% of the
children
 are playing GTA which gives a real-world experience to the player. Playing
this
 game will make an individual more fun and engaging. Spending too much time playing
computer
games
 creates some problems for
children
such
 as sleeping problems, eye problems and other health issues which are
also
 the potential drawbacks to them. Another issue is that there are some violent video
games
 that force them to copy that action towards their friends.
For example
, playing violent
games
 results in bullying and bad behaviour
while
 playing with their friends in real life. In conclusion, there are more negative developments to
children
 spending more time playing
computer
games
 than playing physical
sports
. The key is that parents should be aware of these potential risks and help their
children
 to make a perfect balance to lead a healthy and happy life forever.
Submitted by insighttribez on

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coherence cohesion
First, clearly introduce the main points that will be discussed in the essay. For instance, mention that the essay will explore reasons for children preferring computer games and discuss the positive and negative impacts.
task achievement
Besides mentioning examples like GTA, include other examples and statistical data to provide stronger support for the key points. This will bolster your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition by using varied vocabulary and sentence structures. This will not only make the essay more readable but also demonstrate a strong command of English.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by explaining why children prefer computer games and discussing the negative impacts.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion succinctly captures the key points made in the essay and suggests actionable advice for parents, which is commendable.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
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