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Band 5.5

Many people leave their home country and go to other countries to live and work. Why do you think it is happening? Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages?

#people #home #country #countries #work #trend
Many
individuals
 go abroad and decide to stay there for many years or even in some cases permanently. Personally, I am inclined to the view that the merits of leaving the
country
 outweigh the drawbacks. People usually tend to look for better lifestyles and in many countries,
individuals
 suffer trying to feed their families with low incomes.
As a consequence
, they tend to leave their
country
 looking for better conditions of life and to succeed in their career.
For example
,
multiples
Change the noun form
multiple
show examples
individuals
 go every year to the USA to work and gain enough money to be able to care for their whole family. The second effect is security. Some countries do not have sufficient police officers to guarantee protection for people and it increases the number of assaults and deaths.
However
, it is not easy to go legally to another
country
 and it is even difficult to have your whole family with you in another
country
. There are some difficulties
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
conquer
Verb problem
obtaining
show examples
 the right visas for all relatives and because of
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
, many
individuals
 cross the borders illegally in an act of panic.
As a result
, they do not have the same rights as a native citizen
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
and because of
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
faces
Correct subject-verb agreement
face
show examples
 some problems with documents, the healthcare system and when looking for a job. In conclusion, people are leaving their
country
due to
 the everyday difficulties that they
lead
Verb problem
face
show examples
,
such
 as lack of opportunities, insecurity and poor
life’s
Change noun form
life
show examples
 conditions. Starting their lives in countries with better perspectives is a way of pursuing a great future for themselves and even for those relatives who have been left in their home
country
.
Submitted by keila_suelen on

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task achievement
Ensure every main point is backed with relevant and specific examples to enhance credibility.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow within paragraphs by using more cohesive devices or transition phrases.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses why people migrate and provides balanced perspectives on its advantages and disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames the content of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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