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Band 5.5

In the past, many male leaders have led our society to conflicts and violence. The world would be better governed and more peaceful if it was ruled by women. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#leaders #society #conflicts #violence #world #women
There are controversial perspectives heating up a debate over the impacts of
genders
Fix the agreement mistake
gender
show examples
 on
society
.
While
 some claim that the way
men
 lead may trigger
violence
 and unpeaceful
society
, the opposite makes a statement that women can make non- violent decisions which would be better in terms of persuasion than
men
 do. Whilst the former is valid to some extent, I consider myself a supporter of the latter. Without a shadow of a doubt, male leaders easily make decisions causing abundant conflicts. These may
attribute
Wrong verb form
be attributed
show examples
 to their characteristics and the way they lead.
Men
 have a tendency to be harsh and in a driving seat whenever they make choices so they can resort to
violence
 or even stir up war to solve the problems. To be more specific, Adolf Hitler who was a dictator of Germany regularly applied hard power of command on his nation, which greatly induced
world war
Correct your spelling
World War
show examples
 2 though his aim was to expand German territory.
Hence
, the
violence- packed
Correct your spelling
violence-packed
show examples
 actions leading to conflict in
society
 are usually made by
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
.
While
 the
violence
 of the way
men
 lead is widely acknowledged, their counterparts are better in governing the country through their personality tendency. Females are inclined to have the soft power of collaboration and reach their set goals peacefully.
For example
, Angela Merkel who was the former German prime minister repeatedly put an effort to mediate the Ukraine- Russia conflict.
Thus
, females can resolve a large number of problems including maintaining sustainable peace in the country without
violence
. In conclusion, an unpeaceful
society
 is caused by
men’
Change noun form
men’s
show examples
 characteristics and
women’
Change noun form
women’s
show examples
 leadership can lead the world to be more peaceful.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the prompt with a balanced view, yet could benefit from more specific examples to support your points. Consider incorporating concrete statistics or historical instances to bolster your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion were present and well-structured, but the body paragraphs could be more tightly connected to your thesis. Try linking each paragraph more clearly to your overall argument with cohesive devices and clear topic sentences.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've made logical points throughout your essay, but occasionally, the structure within paragraphs felt a bit disjointed. Work on ensuring that each sentence flows seamlessly into the next by using more varied linking words and phrases.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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