IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that professional workers such as doctors , nurses and teachers , who make greater contribution to the society should be paid more than those people in the field of sports and entertainment . To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#people #workers #doctors #nurses #teachers #contribution #society #field #sports #entertainment
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The high incomes of
celebrities
Use synonyms
 in the field of entertainment and sports have been a matter of dispute . I disagree that
doctors
Use synonyms
nurses
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 should be paid salary than
celebrities
Use synonyms
 . I shall put forth my argument to support my view in the following paragraph . Some individuals say that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
the service of the
doctors
Use synonyms
 ,
nurses
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 are inextricably linked with human
life
Use synonyms
 . We can't lead a peaceful
life
Use synonyms
 without
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 help
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Teachers
Use synonyms
 are the builders of
nation
Correct article usage
a nation
show examples
 , no country can
further
Linking Words
 without the service of
teachers
Use synonyms
 .
Doctors
Use synonyms
 and
nurses
Use synonyms
 give us treatment many
people
Use synonyms
 recover after taking treatment from
doctors
Use synonyms
 . For
this
Linking Words
reason
Add a comma
,reason
show examples
 many individuals opinions are
doctors
Use synonyms
 ,
nurses
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 should be paid more than
celebrities
Use synonyms
 .
Firstly
Linking Words
 , the contribution of these
celebrities
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not less . They give us entertainment , we know that entertainment is as important as human needs like , food , clothing , shelter .
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 they are the role models for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and
people
Use synonyms
 .
People
Use synonyms
 follow and
listen
Add the preposition
tolisten
show examples
 them .
Celebrities
Use synonyms
 take part in
different
Add an article
the different
a different
show examples
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 to aware of the
people
Use synonyms
 .
Secondly
Linking Words
 ,
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 man's contribution
also
Linking Words
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 for our society and they well deserve their high incomes because a gamer
start
Change the verb form
starts
show examples
 his career from 18 - 19 and he
retire
Change the verb form
retires
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
age
Add an article
the age
an age
show examples
 of 34 - 35 . Their career is too short . After their professional
Use synonyms
life
Add a comma
,life
show examples
 they have to confront struggle . My final argument , they have to stay away from their personal
life
Use synonyms
 and stay occupied
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their work , they can't spend time with their family members .
Also
Linking Words
 they
they
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
and their family members need security for
this
Linking Words
 they have to pay
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
many
Correct your spelling
any
show examples
 money to bodyguards . To sum up ,
celebrities
Use synonyms
 deserve
this
Linking Words
 high salary for different
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of reasons
also
Linking Words
 as their career is short
on the other hand
Linking Words
 ,
doctors
Use synonyms
 ,
nurses
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 can work long times they retire in 70 - 80 and
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 passion from their institute .
Submitted by paveldewan2000 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: