IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. You should write at least 250 words. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#world #computers #jobs #job #positions
Several years ago, I thought I was in primary school when I have started to hear about
Computers
. that new technology comes with new dreams for many people all over the world in
General
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general
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 and in Cameroon
in particular
First
 of all,
computers
 offer a new way of business style and new job positions. Because a few years later I was seeing Secretarial offices everywhere, Cybercafe with the raising of the internet. there were new jobs offer like secretary, Web Developer, Designer and many others.
Secondly
,
Computers
 opened new fields in many schools and universities like Computer Science, Web Development, today is possible to learn online, it
help
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helps
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 us save too much time.
on the other hand
, with all that improvement no one knows that many people may lose their jobs Despite all its benefits. Today unemployment rate has
increase
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increased
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 because of
automation
Correct article usage
the automation
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 of many tasks. in spite of opening a
shop
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,shop
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 many retailer and seller have
open
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an open
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 online shop and that
make
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makes
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 them save much money and time, and by the
way
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,way
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 it gave
theme
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the theme
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 a large audience of costumer all over the
word
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world
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. So
Finally
, many job positions have been replaced by
computers
. but we have seen that
computers
 can not replace human work as well in every sector.
Computers
 help us to do things fast but they can't replace human workers for good. For me as Telecoms and Network Engineer it's will be difficult
to
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apply
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me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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to do without a computer today. it is better
of
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for
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 us to
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think
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thing
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think
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how
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about how
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 to create new jobs and increase our
activies
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activities
.
Submitted by olga.lavenir on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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