IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing more and more jobs. Describe some job positions that may be lost because of computers, and discuss at least one problem that may result. You should write at least 250 words. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#world #computers #jobs #job #positions
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Several years ago, I thought I was in primary school when I have started to hear about
Computers
. that new technology comes with new dreams for many people all over the world in
General
Correct your spelling
general
show examples
 and in Cameroon
in particular
First
 of all,
computers
 offer a new way of business style and new job positions. Because a few years later I was seeing Secretarial offices everywhere, Cybercafe with the raising of the internet. there were new jobs offer like secretary, Web Developer, Designer and many others.
Secondly
,
Computers
 opened new fields in many schools and universities like Computer Science, Web Development, today is possible to learn online, it
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 us save too much time.
on the other hand
, with all that improvement no one knows that many people may lose their jobs Despite all its benefits. Today unemployment rate has
increase
Change the verb form
increased
show examples
 because of
automation
Correct article usage
the automation
show examples
 of many tasks. in spite of opening a
shop
Add a comma
,shop
show examples
 many retailer and seller have
open
Add an article
an open
show examples
 online shop and that
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them save much money and time, and by the
way
Add a comma
,way
show examples
 it gave
theme
Add an article
the theme
show examples
 a large audience of costumer all over the
word
Correct your spelling
world
show examples
. So
Finally
, many job positions have been replaced by
computers
. but we have seen that
computers
 can not replace human work as well in every sector.
Computers
 help us to do things fast but they can't replace human workers for good. For me as Telecoms and Network Engineer it's will be difficult
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to do without a computer today. it is better
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 us to
Correct your spelling
think
show examples
thing
Correct your spelling
think
show examples
how
Change preposition
about how
show examples
 to create new jobs and increase our
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
.
Submitted by olga.lavenir on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: