IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child’s #health
Modern technology influences the public, which some people
believes
Correct subject-verb agreement
believe
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has a great effect on their psychological well being especially on children. To what extent that it is true? In
this
 essay, I will discuss that these inventions have a big impact on the nation but most on the
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
.
To begin
 with, it is popular
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society that we are living in an updated world which brought changes to the way we live,
for example
, having gadgets and video players are the new hobbies of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children nowadays. Most of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kids are known to all the new programs that they can watch, aside from that there are many kinds of games that
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
 are addicted to. Actually, they are more focused on watching
TVs
Fix the agreement mistake
TV
show examples
 and concentrating on playing video games, provided that, they have easy access to all of these since it all comes in cellphones and computers.
Furthermore
, the community are aware of how it affects their mental health, it
also
 affects them
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 they can portray everything they can see. The negative effects without proper supervision,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 tendency of copying it,
such
 as movies and programs in television
consists
Correct subject-verb agreement
consist
show examples
 of violence, crime, drugs and killing people. At an early stage, they are exposed to these kinds of genres,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can
because
Add a missing verb
be because
show examples
 of how they will think and how to treat the community
thus
, it will lead them to be a bad citizen in the future. In conclusion, moderation of using all the technologies
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 good. The individuals should give proper guidance especially, to the children, for them to learn what is wrong from right. In our generation we are living, it is easy to access everything,
however
,
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 on what to use and watch is one prevention on adapting all the negative causes that our modern world is having.
Submitted by ding on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay has a somewhat clear structure, but the ideas are not always logically connected. Try to use linking words and transition phrases to improve coherence and cohesion. Additionally, ensure that the main points are well-supported with relevant examples and elaboration.
task achievement
The essay provides some response to the task and includes relevant ideas, but there is a need for clearer and more comprehensive ideas along with specific examples to support the points made. Try to address all aspects of the task prompt and provide more in-depth analysis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: