IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

obese people should be treated with a bad manner so that they will want to change themselves

#people #manner #change
Obesity results from inherited,psychological and environmental factors combined with diet and physical activity which causes health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 and depression. While it’s common that overweight individuals need to be reacted poorly to swap
oneself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
,
nevertheless
 obesity is increasing day by day. I believe that
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 humans want positive encouragement rather than unpleasant actions from another. In
this
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am going to demonstrate my views with supportive explanations and provide examples where needed.
First
 of all,the main reason why I disagree with the given statement is that the Unhappy fat people by hearing someone’s criticism could be more stressed and won’t be interested in
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 life.
Moreover
,
human
Add an article
the human
a human
show examples
 being is we not able to change some others habit unless they want to do so.In my opinion, motivation and acceptance, as they are, are the most powerful tools in helping depressed people get lean.
For instance
, one of tv
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 was discussing
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
this
 issue. There was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one
women
Fix the agreement mistake
woman
show examples
 who was always judged by others about how she was unhealthy due to her overweight.
She
Add a verb
isShe
wasShe
show examples
 just
tired
Correct your spelling
tried
show examples
 to hear negative things and did suicide.
However
, there was another man who was mostly inspired to
Replace the word
lose
show examples
loose
Correct your spelling
lose
show examples
 weight and
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
end
Add a comma
,end
show examples
 he became slim and healthy by doing exercises and dieting.
Thus
, foolish
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 against
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
fat people will not solve difficulties against they bring more unpleasant problems.
Submitted by nargizataishybay on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: