IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that government should be held responsible when problem of homelessness and unemployment arise. Do you agree or disagree

It is often argued that the administration of a nation has the full responsibility to take strong measures to solve the problem of
people
Use synonyms
 who do
have not
Correct word order
not have
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a job or shelter . In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 view and believe that the
government
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 has the power and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sufficient resources to reduce these problems . On one hand , individuals have
part
Correct article usage
a part
show examples
 of the responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their financial situations . If
people
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 study and work hard in their lives , they will undoubtedly ensure the earning of an income and
then
Linking Words
 they can have homes for themselves and their families .
For example
Linking Words
 , my friend of mine who is from a deprived family
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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has worked hard in his life despite his conditions
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 fortunately
Add a comma
,
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he
get
Wrong verb form
got
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 a well-paid job and he bought a wonderful house for his family .
On the other hand
Linking Words
 ,the
government
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 is responsible for ensuring the well-being of its population.
In other words
Linking Words
 , homes and jobs are among the basic needs of the
people
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,
the
Correct word choice
and the
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government
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 is certainly responsible for that. An efficient administration can do a lot of things to create enough jobs for all the
people
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.
For example
Linking Words
, it can provide education to improve the employability of the population. It can offer financial aid to help them build their own businesses. It can
also
Linking Words
 run many enterprises on its own and employ a crowd. If we take a look at the most developed countries in the world, we can see that there are very few jobless and homeless populations there. That means if the administration is
efficient
Punctuation problem
efficient,
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 it is possible to create enough jobs for the nation. Once professions are created, the problem of homelessness will resolve on its own. Employed
people
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 can earn enough to build a home for themselves and their families.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 must be held fully responsible for the homelessness and work loss of their nation
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it is everyone’s hope that the political authorities should take great measures to support
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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people
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 in solving
such
Linking Words
 complications.

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development
Make the main idea clear in each paragraph and in your opening sentence.
coherence
Use linking words to join ideas and show order.
evidence
Give more facts or proof for your points, with figures or clear examples.
grammar
Check grammar: be careful with plural, articles, and verb form.
structure
Write shorter sentences to avoid long errors.
conclusion
Finish with a short conclusion that restates your view.
stance
You show a clear view that the government should help.
evidence
You give a real example of a friend to back one point.
structure
You try to discuss both sides before the final take.
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