IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many children these days have an unhealty lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extend do you agree with this statement?

#children #unhealty #lifestyle #schools #parents
Over time, the
type
 of food products has increased. Every
type
 of food is accessible, even if it includes harmful ingredients.
This
 has a negative effect on
children
's diet. For some aspects schools and
parents
 have a considerable impact on
children
's eating
habits
. I definitely agree with
this
 statement, and in
this
 essay, I will explain why I think
this
 way. In recent years, because of the high prices of needs, most mothers have to work to earn money to live. They do not have enough time to prepare meals, which results in a rise in eating instant foods like soup.
Moreover
, they have to order junk food because it is time-efficient. Mostly, these
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of products
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 harmful ingredients. What I mean is that
children
's eating
habits
 are directly dependent on their
parents
.
Thus
,
parents
 have great importance in it. I believe that they have to pay more attention to their
children
's diet. When
children
 grow up, they spend most of their time in
school
. Because of
this
,
school
 canteens have an incredible effect on
children
's health, as well.
Children
 can buy unhealthy foods with their pocket money even if they do not allow
to
Correct pronoun usage
it to
show examples
 anyone.
Moreover
, they share their meals with their friends.
Thus
,
school
 managers are responsible for organising
school
 canteens. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 teachers must teach students what
type
 of foods they must eat for their health. Overall,
parents
 and schools can influence
childrens'
Correct your spelling
children's
show examples
 eating
habits
. A child can learn
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their
parents
 and mimic
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 parent's eating behaviour.
In addition
, schools have an effect, too. Because
children
's can have a chance to make their own choices. If
school
's can sell healthier products,
children
's will have a healthy diet and develop better eating
habits
 in the future.
Submitted by ackgz.buse on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: