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Band 4

Some people feel unsafe either staying at home or going out. What are the possible reasons for this? What can be done to address this issue?

#people #home #address
In the modern world, the number of committed crimes has been increasing sharply.
As a result
, some individuals
terrify
Wrong verb form
are terrified
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 criminals regardless of where they are.
This
 essay will discuss the causes of
this
 scare and provide possible solutions to eliminate
this
 problem.
First,
there are various significant reasons for feeling in trouble, even being at home. Childhood traumas are considered the chief cause of
this
, which is maintained in the mind of a person from a young age. Violence from
step-father
Correct article usage
the step-father
show examples
 or un rare conflict between parents will provide a mental illness with a direct impact on the psychics of the kid.
Furthermore
, in the age of technology
exist
Correct subject-verb agreement
exists
show examples
 a plethora of cameras around us.
Hence
, citizens
petrify
Wrong verb form
are petrified
show examples
from
Change preposition
about
show examples
 being recorded and believe that perhaps there are hidden cameras even in their homes.
Consequently
, it does not only appear
Change preposition
as the
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 scare in
Correct article usage
the mind
show examples
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 of
people
, but it
also
 distracts the personal
boundary
Fix the agreement mistake
boundaries
show examples
 of members of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Nevertheless
,
this
 issue can be solved by support from family and treating the mental health of
such
 kinds of
people
. To avoid feeling unsafe, surrounded
and
Change preposition
by and
show examples
 closest
people
 should bolster them, claiming that they are in security.
Moreover
, regular attendance to a psychologist will cure childhood trauma and other mental problems. If
such
 diseases
would be
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 treated on time, there
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 not be any point
to struggle
Change preposition
in struggling
show examples
 with sociophobia.
To conclude
, feeling in trouble all the time is a disease that
formed
Wrong verb form
forms
show examples
 in childhood.
This
 would be cured by courage from close
people
.
Submitted by zhadyra.serikbayeva2016 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure to ensure clear progression of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present; however, they can be further developed for a stronger impact.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Perceive
  • Threat
  • Crime
  • Fear
  • Accident
  • Natural disaster
  • Personal security
  • Trust
  • Authorities
  • Social isolation
  • Loneliness
  • Media
  • News coverage
  • Community safety measures
  • Personal security awareness
  • Transparency
  • Support networks
  • Community involvement
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