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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

successul sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

#successul #sports #professionals #money #people #professions
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As a fan of many types of
sports
Use synonyms
, I am
nevertheless
Linking Words
 surprised knowing that successful
sports
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professionals
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, Jordan,
for example
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, can earn much more money than other successful
professionals
Use synonyms
 in other
sectors
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. I know that some
people
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 think it is fully justified
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because to be successful in
sports
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, a person must be trained from the very early childhood and has to work very hard every day. They have to sacrifice many joys of
life
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 in order to save time for
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
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, for becoming stronger and more
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
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. And they have a very risky
life
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 – a lot of injuries may happen during the games and competitions that may lead to long-term health effects
such
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 as cracked bones or disability in the rest of their
life
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 or event to death.
Moreover
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,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
professional
Fix the agreement mistake
professionals
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 usually cannot sustain their job for long.
Usually
Add a comma
,Usually
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 they will get retired
at
Change preposition
in
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early
Correct pronoun usage
their early
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 40s, and most of them will not have
very
Correct article usage
a very
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 good income afterwards.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some other
people
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 think that it is unfair that successful
sports
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professionals
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 can earn more than other successful
professionals
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 in other
sectors
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, says, teachers or scientists. These
people
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 think that a scientist uses his brain and
also
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 works very hard. And his invention can lead to a very big change to the whole world and to the whole human
life
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, how can David Beckham earn a million
of
Change preposition
apply
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dollars just from a TV advertisement, while the Nobel
winner
Replace the word
winning
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 prize for physics earns only several hundred thousand dollars for a year? It’s totally unfair. My point is there should be a better scheme for wealth allocation
,
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apply
show examples
 so that successful and talented
people
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 in other
sectors
Use synonyms
 can be paid better. Possibly a good taxation system can help to do it. So on the one hand, the
Use synonyms
sports
Correct your spelling
sportspeople
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 can still be highly paid for their efforts, but other
professionals
Use synonyms
 in other
sectors
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 be recognized for their works and contribution to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Submitted by hhuong61917 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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