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Band 4.5

successul sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

#successul #sports #professionals #money #people #professions
As a fan of many types of
sports
, I am
nevertheless
 surprised knowing that successful
sports
professionals
, Jordan,
for example
, can earn much more money than other successful
professionals
 in other
sectors
. I know that some
people
 think it is fully justified
,
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 because to be successful in
sports
, a person must be trained from the very early childhood and has to work very hard every day. They have to sacrifice many joys of
life
 in order to save time for
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
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, for becoming stronger and more
skillful
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skilful
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. And they have a very risky
life
 – a lot of injuries may happen during the games and competitions that may lead to long-term health effects
such
 as cracked bones or disability in the rest of their
life
 or event to death.
Moreover
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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sports
professional
Fix the agreement mistake
professionals
show examples
 usually cannot sustain their job for long.
Usually
Add a comma
,Usually
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 they will get retired
at
Change preposition
in
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early
Correct pronoun usage
their early
show examples
 40s, and most of them will not have
very
Correct article usage
a very
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 good income afterwards.
On the other hand
, some other
people
 think that it is unfair that successful
sports
professionals
 can earn more than other successful
professionals
 in other
sectors
, says, teachers or scientists. These
people
 think that a scientist uses his brain and
also
 works very hard. And his invention can lead to a very big change to the whole world and to the whole human
life
.
Therefore
, how can David Beckham earn a million
of
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apply
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dollars just from a TV advertisement, while the Nobel
winner
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winning
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 prize for physics earns only several hundred thousand dollars for a year? It’s totally unfair. My point is there should be a better scheme for wealth allocation
,
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apply
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 so that successful and talented
people
 in other
sectors
 can be paid better. Possibly a good taxation system can help to do it. So on the one hand, the
sports
Correct your spelling
sportspeople
show examples
people
 can still be highly paid for their efforts, but other
professionals
 in other
sectors
 can
also
 be recognized for their works and contribution to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Submitted by hhuong61917 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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