IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Topic: Some people believe that children should spend more time participating in physical activities rather than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Technological advancements have led
children
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 to become couch potatoes and a discussion is making rounds on
this
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 topic, suggesting that
children
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 should participate more in sports than playing video
games
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 on computers. I completely agree with the statement that the young generation should be encouraged to play more physical
games
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 because it leads to the holistic development of a child. The essay will discuss more advantages of physical activities.
To begin
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 with, physical activities like playing sports, exercising or swimming, are necessary for a healthy and fit body. These days, kids are eating a lot of junk food leading to obesity and
games
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 or sports help in fighting not only obesity but
also
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 its related diseases.
Therefore
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, it becomes important for them to indulge in any form of bodily
activity
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.
Additionally
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,
children
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 sitting in front of computer screens all day long will have weak eyesight and it
also
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 affects their brain
activity
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.
For instance
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, in the recent past, a lot of young
children
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 went into mental shock after playing PUBG, a mobile combat game which was later banned by the government.
Thus
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, it is highly recommended to encourage youngsters to participate in any form of physical
activity
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 as
this
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 will help in relaxing their minds, resulting in better sleep patterns. To summarise, there is no doubt that
children
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 should be playing more physical
games
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 rather than indulging in
games
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 on computers as physical
activity
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 results in better fitness and a relaxed mind. Parents should their
children
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 to be more involved in the physical world than the virtual world.

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task achievement
To improve task response, try to incorporate a few more specific examples or statistics to support your argument. This will provide a stronger backing to your points and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is coherent, enhance the logical flow between paragraphs by incorporating more transitional phrases or sentences. This will make the essay smoother to read and understand.
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete and clear response to the prompt. The main points are well-covered and relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay. They clearly state your position and summarize your argument well.
coherence cohesion
The essay’s main points are well-supported, with logical reasoning and pertinent examples.
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