IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Young people who commit serious crimes, such as robbery or violent attacks should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #robbery #attacks #adults
As the remarkable increase in juvenile delinquency has been a serious cause for concern nowadays, it is generally believed that youngsters who are involved in serious crimes
such
 as murder or robbery should be subject to the same sort of
punishment
 as adults.
However
, from my point of view, while
legal
Correct article usage
a legal
show examples
 deterrent is essential, it is advisable that the degree of detention for juveniles be lower than that for mature people.
Although
 young people are inexperienced and to a certain extent unconscious of their
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, it is wrong to say that they are virtually innocent when attempting
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
murder or a fraud. Recent reports of adolescents below the age of maturity committing murder or swindling people out of their money on the Net are a case in point. Those young criminals seemed to abuse their rights in order to lower or even get away with their sentence.
Although
 titled as “minors” in legal papers, juveniles have nearly the same intelligence and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical strength as adults, who are just several years older than them, so detention as compensation for their crime is vital.
However
, I believe that the degree of
punishment
 should not be taken to the extreme. Teenagers have insufficient life experience
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and are to some extent ignorant of what awaits them after committing a crime, so they should not be applied the highest sort of
punishment
. Programmes that assist in the progress of re-education of juveniles are wiser and more pragmatic replacements of severe
punishment
such
 as
lifetime
Replace the word
life
show examples
 imprisonment or capital
punishment
. In conclusion, whereas young criminals are mandated to be subject to detention, it is vital and ethical to put them in a lower scale of
punishment
 than
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
adults.
Submitted by thientrang1616 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: