the number of elderly people in the world in inreasing. What do you think are the positive and negative effects of this trend?

Many industrialized
countries
are becoming
an
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
ageing
societies
Correct the article-noun agreement
society

The indefinite article an may not be required with the plural noun societies in this sentence. Consider removing the article, or changing the noun to singular.

show examples
, which holds an increasing
number
of populations in old
age
. While
this
trend is likely to be seen as social drawbacks, there are apparently
both
pros and cons. A
society
with a considerate
number
of elder adults can not only lead to a well-matured
democracy
but
also
helps
Wrong verb form
help

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb helps. Consider changing it.

show examples
with building multilateral cooperation between
nations
.
For
instance
, a
population
with a lot of the old would make a better political decision, which turns our
democracy
to a right
a
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
direction.
In addition
, since the growing
population
tend to require the economic expansion of
nations
, a steady
population
late would facilitate maintaining the international bond in various global
issues
.
On the other hand
, the high
ratio
of elderly
people
can cost extra
pension
, as well as reduce the total
income
from working
age
. The fewer working
people
will reduce the amount of
income
and make it difficult to economically
support
the old with a
pension
many industrialized
countries
are becoming an ageing
society
, which holds an increasing
number
of populations in old
age
. While
this
trend is likely to be seen as social drawbacks, there are apparently
both
pros and cons. A
society
with a considerate
number
of elder adults can not only
leads
Change the verb form
lead

The verb leads after the modal verb can does not appear to be in the correct form. Consider changing the verb form.

show examples
a
Change preposition
to a

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
well-matured
democracy
but
also
help with building multilateral cooperation between
nations
.
For
instance
, a
population
with a lot of the old would make a better political decision, which turns our
democracy
to
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
a
Correct article usage
the

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
right direction.
In addition
, since the growing
population
tend to require the economic expansion of
nations
, a steady
population
late would facilitate maintaining the international bond in various global
issues
.
On the other hand
, the high
ratio
of elderly
people
can cost extra
pension
, as well as
reduces
Wrong verb form
reduce

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb reduces. Consider changing it.

show examples
the total
income
from working
age
. The fewer working
people
will reduce the amount of
income
and make it difficult to economically
support
the old with a
pension
.
For example
, some
countries
diminished the
pension
price or even abolished
one
due to the demographical
changes
.
Besides
, there is a high possibility that a
country
will become very conservative with a great
number
of
people
. An older
country
tends to make radical
changes
in
policies
and may spend more money on social
welfare
than childcare
support
.
For
instance
, Japan is
one
of the ageing societies and its
policies
are inclined to elderly concerns ,not the young,
such
as immigrant policy or
pension
budget.
Thus
, if the
ratio
of old
people
increases in the total national
population
, the
country
will have
both
advantages and disadvantages. It will
cause
a better democratic and cooperative
society
,
on the contrary
, it will
cause
several
issues
on maintaining economics and social
welfare
. .
For example
, some
countries
diminished the
pension
price or even abolished
one
due to the demographical
changes
.
Besides
, there is a high possibility that a
country
will become very conservative with a great
number
of
people
. An older
country
tends to make radical
changes
in
policies
and may spend more money on social
welfare
than childcare
support
.
For
instance
, Japan is
one
of the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing

The spelling of aging is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

show examples
societies and its
policies
are inclined to elderly concerns ,not the young,
such
as immigrant policy or
pension
budget.
Thus
, if the
ratio
of old
people
increases in the total national
population
, the
country
will have
both
advantages and disadvantages. It will
cause
a better democratic and cooperative
society
,
on the contrary
, it will
cause
several
issues
on maintaining economics and social
welfare
.
Submitted by momokonakaoka on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Improve your IELTS writing score within two weeks
Hundreds of algorithms will assess your writing according to 4 evaluation criteria. Writing9 helps you find the weak points of your essay and make it flawless.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Read more in the eBook

The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »

* free ebook for Premium users

What to do next:
Look at other essays:
Check your IELTS essays
After you write your essay, you will be provided with tips with examples of how to make your essay better in order to get a score above 7.