Some people think the the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, instead of benefiting them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is considered that making pupils ideal citizens and enabling them
for
Change preposition
to

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
employment is the prime intention of educational institutions disregarding personal objectives. In my perspective, social and vocational skills directly or indirectly provide learners with something for their advancement, there is no need to incorporate anything extra. Undoubtedly, schooling is the foundation of a sensible and responsible personality. As virtues
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as loyalty, sympathy and empathy if instilled at a tender age have more prospects of staying till the end, it is important to teach those skills following guided learning at school. When these characteristics become a part of one's behaviour, it benefits the individual as well to survive in society. To illustrate, well-behaved people would attract the attention of others and everyone would want to establish a cordial relationship with them, which in return would give them psychological contentment protecting them from ailments
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as depression, anxiety and bipolar.
Hence
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is of utmost importance to make children good citizens
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

of focusing on personal advantage. Another central goal of schools is to generate a workforce. Since parents enrol their children to secure their careers, preparing them for being
breadwinner
Fix the agreement mistake
breadwinners

It seems that breadwinner may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
appears significant too. If learning centres
instead
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

of focusing on generating employees, start providing subjective privileges, not only school-goers but the society
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

has to suffer a great loss.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

means there would be a scarcity of eligible hands bringing suffering for both employment seekers and employers. A corroboration of
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

could be taken from the article published in “the Hindu” that suggested,
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

although
Correct word choice
that although

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

show examples
there are vacancies in numerous multinational companies, the underlying rationale behind unemployment in developing nations is the lack of suitable candidates. Had these countries added vocational training to the curriculum,
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

issue may not stem.
To conclude
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, I reiterate that the very first motive of educational institutions is limited to making children ideal dwellers and employees for certain reasons which benefit them autonomously,
therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, no attention is required for individual profit.
Submitted by Pooja Dhindsa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Your essay addresses the topic well and provides a clear stance on whether schools should focus on turning children into good citizens and workers. You have supported your position with relevant arguments and examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your arguments. The progression of ideas is logical, and there is a clear flow from one point to the next.
Task Response
Clear stance on the topic
Task Response
Effective use of examples to support arguments
Coherence and Cohesion
Well-structured introduction and conclusion
Topic Vocabulary:
  • citizenship
  • workforce readiness
  • individual development
  • talents and passions
  • responsible citizens
  • emotional intelligence
  • personal well-being
  • personal growth
  • functioning democracy
  • mental health
  • personal happiness
  • dual role
  • neglect
  • engaged citizens
  • nurturing
  • balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: