IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweight the disadvantages?

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Today
using
Wrong verb form
the use of
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 state-of-the-art technologies
such
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 as cellphone voice recorder and
security
Use synonyms
 camera for controlling peoples’ behaviour are increasing that in numerous situations individuals are not aware of it.
This
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 essay will outline both pros and cons
and
Correct word choice
apply
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followed by my own take on
this
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 matter. On the plus side, the advantages of monitoring
people
Use synonyms
 without their awareness are manifold.
To begin
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 with,
this
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 would decline crimes. Simply put, governments and policies can find offenders quickly by using cellphone tracking as they have access to
everyone
Change noun form
everyone's
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detail
Fix the agreement mistake
details
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 and
setting
Change preposition
by setting
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security
Use synonyms
 cameras in cities. Take an accident as an example, the guilty driver may leave the crime sense but with the cameras in the streets, police are able to deter them.
Moreover
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,
people
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 might install
security
Use synonyms
 cameras to protect their properties in their homes. In
this
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 way, they would increase safety and avoid robbery.
However
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, the downside cannot be ignored. Being unaware
about controlling
Change preposition
of control
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 would destroy individuals’ privacy. In fact, it
destruct’s
Verb problem
destroys
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 peoples’ calmness because they feel they are under the pressure of these devices which monitor them.
Furthermore
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,
people
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 consider these cutting-edge technologies as abuse.
In other words
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, they are concerned about their secrets and data that could be evolved so that others can abuse
this
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 information in various ways.
For instance
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, asking for money for extorting. In conclusion, monitoring
people
Use synonyms
 through some gadgets in places where
people
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 are unaware of it can be both rewarding and problematic,
Although
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 I believe it may
effects
Change the verb form
effect
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individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
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 privacy and create some abuse, it is beneficial in terms of providing
security
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both
Add the preposition
with both
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 for society and dwellers.
Hence
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 the merits overweight the drawbacks.

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coherence cohesion
Provide a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points and presents a final opinion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction contains a clear thesis statement and the conclusion provides a final opinion on the topic.
lexical resource
Use a wider variety of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and avoid repetition.
grammatical range
Demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance coherence and cohesion.
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