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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that criminal behaviour has genetic causes. Others believe that it is circumstances that lead people to commit a crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is asserted by some people that the hereditary factors in
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
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criminal behaviour are of great importance.
However
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, personal and social circumstances are key elements that appear to have a number of proponents. Both sides present logical arguments which will be elucidated, followed by my own take on the matter. On the one hand, genes in
commitment
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committing
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 a crime take priority in some people’s opinion. The most important underlying justification is that the presence of some particular hormones and genes in people leads to breaking the law. Simply put, offenders tend to crimes instinctively since when they were born
as well as
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 doing wrong things always has been accompanied with them. An obvious example of
this
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 is sexual offenders who do not have any reasons for their wrongdoings since they just commit
this
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 by hereditary motivations.
However
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, others advocate the idea of
illegal
Correct article usage
the illegal
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 behaviour of some lawbreakers
as a result
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 of personal and social circumstances.
To begin
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 with, some culprits were born
in
Change preposition
into
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 dysfunctional families with a lot of financial problems and cultural issues. Under
this
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 condition, individuals have more tendency for criminal actions. To be more precise, there is a strong correlation between committing offences and personal difficulties.
Moreover
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, supporters of
this
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 idea claim that wrongdoers have not been educated
due to
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 cultural poverty and financial constricts. to put it another way, they do not have not only academic skills but
also
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 professional abilities.
Therefore
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, they can not
take
Verb problem
apply
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the
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apply
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shoulder
of
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apply
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any responsibilities in society.
To conclude
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, I would tend to side with those supporting poor situations when it comes to committing an offence. It seems to be unreasonable to highlight the genetic factors in
this
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 regard and seems more logical to pay attention to conditions that lead to illegal activities amongst culprits.

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between the ideas in your paragraphs. While you do present arguments for both sides, the transitions could be smoother.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This not only strengthens your arguments but also demonstrates a better understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas with precise language. Some points could be more directly expressed with simpler language.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the discussion of both views and gives a clear thesis statement of your own position.
coherence cohesion
You have included a conclusion that reiterates your position, which helps reinforce your argument and adds cohesion to your essay.
task achievement
Both sides of the argument are addressed, showing an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
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