IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying in and after school and have less free time. Do you think it has positive or negative effects on children and society that they live in

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Introduction
1.
Introduction
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 & overview
Body paragraph 1
Immersive
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script
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experience
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 is gradually becoming the
first
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 entertaining choice for the youth. It lets them hang out with their friends to have a film-like
experience
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 in a well-furnished space with delicately designed items, acting as an intelligent detective or a cruel criminal.
Body paragraph 2
Your company,
Ciyuan
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, located in
Xiamen
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, is a successful
immersive
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script
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experience
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 store with hot
popularity
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 among young students. In
this
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report
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, we aim to analyze the external
communication
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 of
Ciyuan
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, and some
suggestions
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 are provided in the following pages.
Body paragraph 3
2. Main
communication
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: advertising to
customers
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Body paragraph 4
External
communication
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 of
Ciyuan
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 mainly focuses on its advertising to
customers
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, which takes advantage of a set of measures.
Body paragraph 5
2.1
Dian
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 Ping
Body paragraph 6
(1)Basic
introduction
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Body paragraph 7
Dian
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 Ping is the earliest consumer evaluation
platform
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 in the world. Through the evaluation, other consumers can better choose their consumption sites.
Ciyuan
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 publicizes its services through
Dian
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 Ping and allows potential players to understand its
service
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contents
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 and
quality
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 better.
Body paragraph 8
(2)
Advantages
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Body paragraph 9
 Comments from other consumers are often more authentic, objective, and convincing.
Body paragraph 10
 The
platform
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 has a wide range of
users
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 who can
further
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 enhance the
popularity
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 of
Ciyuan
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.
Body paragraph 11
(3)
Disadvantages
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Body paragraph 12
Information
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 presented by
Dian
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 Ping is insufficient, increasing the
cost
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 of attaining
information
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 for
customers
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.
Body paragraph 13
Dian
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 Ping does not provide direct contact
information
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 of
Ciyuan
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, which is inconvenient for direct
communication
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.
Body paragraph 14
2.2 Little Red
Book
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 (
Xiaohongshu
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)
Body paragraph 15
(1)Basic
introduction
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Body paragraph 16
Little Red
Book
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 (
Xiaohongshu
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) is a social e-commerce
platform
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 functioning as social networking and online interaction.
Ciyuan
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 frequently posts
information
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 on that
platform
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 to advertise its
service
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 and attract new
customers
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.
Body paragraph 17
(2)
advantages
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Body paragraph 18
 The
cost
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 of
user
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 participation is getting lower than the advertising.
Body paragraph 19
 Little Red
Book
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 provides a very convenient local recommendation option.
Body paragraph 20
(3)
Disadvantages
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Body paragraph 21
Ciyuan
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 has fewer
fans
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 of its
account
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 on Little Red
Book
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.
Body paragraph 22
 Due to the inconvenience of traffic and limitation of
location
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,
this
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 advertising pays little
attention
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 to
brand
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 promotion and makes tiny use of the potential
effects
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 of Little Red
Book
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.
Body paragraph 23
2.3
Weibo
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Body paragraph 24
(1)Basic
introduction
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Body paragraph 25
Weibo
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 refers to a broadcast, social media, and network
platform
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 focusing on
information
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 sharing, similar to Little Red
Book
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. Still, its content is relatively more comprehensive with all kinds of
users
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 and functions.
Body paragraph 26
(2)
Advantages
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Body paragraph 27
Ciyuan
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 effectively attracts potential
customers
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 by publishing relevant
service
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 introductions on
Weibo
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 and publicizing young
customers
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.
Body paragraph 28
Ciyuan
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 shares positive
service
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experience
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 comments released by
customers
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, effectively improving the expectations of new and old
customers
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.
Body paragraph 29
(3)
Disadvantages
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:
Body paragraph 30
Weibo
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 has many homogeneous businesses, so it is difficult for
Ciyuan
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 to stand out and be noticed.
Body paragraph 31
 The posting frequency is low, leading to wrong instructions for
customers
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 with poor
popularity
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.
Body paragraph 32
 Video
communication
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 is not utilized;
thus
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,
customers
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 may have a relatively poor impression of the store.
Body paragraph 33
2.4
Wechat
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Body paragraph 34
(1)Basic
introduction
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:
Body paragraph 35
The
number
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 of
WeChat
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users
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 exceeds 1.2 billion, which is the instant messaging software with the
third
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user
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 base in the world. By applying for a
Wechat
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subscription
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account
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,
Ciyuan
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 has accomplished all-around communications and interactions with
fans
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' words, pictures, voice, and
videos
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, forming a mainstream online marketing method.
Body paragraph 36
(2)
Advantages
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:
Body paragraph 37
 Promote
Ciyuan
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 to hundreds of
Wechat
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users
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 with a lower promotion
cost
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 and higher
communication
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 efficiency than traditional media.
Body paragraph 38
WeChat
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subscription
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 can achieve accurate message recommendations through
user
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 classification and geographical detection.
Body paragraph 39
 The promotion methods are diversified to texts, pictures, and live
videos
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.
Body paragraph 40
Users
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 who subscribe to
Ciyuan
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’s
account
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 could receive its most recent
subscription
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 in
time
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.
Body paragraph 41
(3)
Disadvantages
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Body paragraph 42
Ciyuan
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 recently didn’t make full use of the function of the
Wechat
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subscription
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account
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 with just a few subscribed
contents
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.
Body paragraph 43
 The
name
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 of the
subscription
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account
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 is not the same as the merchant
name
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, which may mislead
customers
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 in the searching process.
Body paragraph 44
2.5 Offline advertising
Body paragraph 45
(1)Basic
introduction
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Body paragraph 46
After experiencing the
service
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 of
Ciyuan
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, some
customers
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 would communicate the
service
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contents
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 and
quality
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 to people around them, spontaneously publicizing the
brand
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.
Body paragraph 47
(2)
Advantages
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:
Body paragraph 48
 New
customers
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 naturally trust the recommendation of friends as guarantors than the advertisement. So they will have a greater chance to
experience
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Ciyuan
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’s services.
Body paragraph 49
(3)
Disadvantages
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Body paragraph 50
 It is
also
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 possible that the nasty comments of an old
customer
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 will be spread to his circle of friends, which will dissipate and disgust the reputation of
Ciyuan
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.
Body paragraph 51
3.
Cost
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 analysis
Body paragraph 52
Cost
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 analysis could reflect the quantified
effects
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 of external
communication
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.
This
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report
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 mainly focuses on the
cost
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 of different
communication
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 manners.
Body paragraph 53
3.1
Customers
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(C)
Body paragraph 54
Since
Ciyuan
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 remains a
customer
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-oriented strategy, most of its
communication
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 or advertising measures pay
attention
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 to the
popularity
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 and
experience
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 among
customers
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.
Body paragraph 55
3.1.1 Advertising
Body paragraph 56
As discussed above,
Ciyuan
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 utilizes a couple of ways to propagate. The respective
cost
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 is listed below:
Body paragraph 57
(1) Fixed
cost
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（100k）
Body paragraph 58
 Advertising
videos
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: 30k
Body paragraph 59
 Tik Tok: 30k
Body paragraph 60
 Little Red
Book
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 (
Xiaohongshu
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)
contents
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 creation: 20k
Body paragraph 61
Wechat
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 group and other
subscription
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: 20k
Body paragraph 62
(2) variable
cost
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Body paragraph 63
 6k per month
Body paragraph 64
3.1.2
location
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 & furnishing
Body paragraph 65
Location
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 and well-furnished environment could indirectly enhance the
popularity
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 of
Ciyuan
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 and improve
customer
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experience
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.
Body paragraph 66
The logic of
location
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selection
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 considers
customers
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’ consumption combination, transportation
cost
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, and rental fees. Sometimes there’s
also
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 a need to include the degree of exposure. Possible
selection
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 indexes are as follows:
Body paragraph 67
 rent fee
Body paragraph 68
 transportation and commercial center
Body paragraph 69
 site area
Body paragraph 70
Ciyuan
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 enjoys a good reputation for high-end style, so
Xiamen
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's furnishing
cost
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 is on the top. In
this
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 case, it could provide an excellent atmosphere for
customers
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 with different characteristics.
Body paragraph 71
Ciyuan
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Library
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(delicacy style): 800k
Body paragraph 72
Ciyuan
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 Special Research Department(mysterious style): 1500k
Body paragraph 73
3.2
Suppliers
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(B)
Body paragraph 74
3.2.1
Products
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Body paragraph 75
There is
also
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 a
cost
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 incurred in the
communication
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 with the
suppliers
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 since new
products
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 could enable
customers
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 to enjoy fresh feelings when
time
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 goes by.
Body paragraph 76
Product
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 A （500*n）
Body paragraph 77
Product
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 B （5000*3）
Body paragraph 78
Product
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 C （1888*10）
Body paragraph 79
Note:
Product
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 A is unlimited to all similar
stores
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.
Product
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 B is unique in
Ciyuan
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 with exclusiveness.
Product
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 C is limited to a small couple of
stores
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.
Body paragraph 80
3.2.2 Exhibition
Body paragraph 81
Additionally
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,
Ciyuan
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 would dispatch designers and other workers to participate in the exhibition to gain helpful knowledge.
Body paragraph 82
 Frequency: 8 times per year
Body paragraph 83
 Participants: 2-3 employees(including designers)
Body paragraph 84
 Costs: 5k-8k
Body paragraph 85
In the exhibition,
Ciyuan
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 could exchange ideas with other
immersive
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script
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experience
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stores
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 to improve current fashion and
customer
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service
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quality
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.
Body paragraph 86
3.3 Conclusion
Body paragraph 87
Based on our
report
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,
Ciyuan
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 devotes highly to its
communication
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 to
customers
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 and
suppliers
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. For
customers
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,
Ciyuan
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 invests in site
selection
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 and furnishing to convey the most enjoyable
experience
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 while
also
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 spending some on advertising to improve its
popularity
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. For
suppliers
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,
Ciyuan
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also
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 purchases new
products
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 and participate in regular
immersive
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script
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experience
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 exhibitions to add freshness and innovation into its business.
Body paragraph 88
4.
Effects
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Body paragraph 89
We can find that external
communication
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 of
Ciyuan
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 is influential with several
effects
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:
Body paragraph 90
4.1 Business condition
Body paragraph 91
Ciyuan
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 has two
stores
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 in the Siming District of
Xiamen
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, China. One of its branch offices is called the
Ciyuan
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library
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, and the other is called
Ciyuan
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 special bureau. The
Ciyuan
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library
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 is located in the high-rise twin tower of the Shimao Group in
Xiamen
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, adjacent to the
Xiamen
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 University. And
Ciyuan
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 Special Bureau is located in
Xiamen
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 MIXC. Both
stores
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 have a stable source of
customers
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, and the monthly opening
number
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 of
Ciyuan
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Library
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 is about 140, while that of
Ciyuan
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 Special Bureau is about 80-100. The comprehensive average income of each branch office is about 1200 yuan, and each store managers are 6-7 people.
Body paragraph 92
4.2
User
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 perspective
Body paragraph 93
According to our interviews with surrounding students and businesses, the vast majority of
customers
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 said that the
user
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experience
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 of
script
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immersive
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script
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experience
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 is outstanding, and it is suitable for ordinary relaxation and entertainment. At the same
time
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, some
customers
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 have put forward some opinions.
For example
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, some
customers
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 hope that holographic projection technology can be introduced into the
Ciyuan
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immersive
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script
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experience
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 to
experience
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 a more authentic
immersive
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 feeling. Some clients have suggested that
Ciyuan
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immersive
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script
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experience
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 could join a big
brand
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,
such
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 as Marvel, to bring more role-playing
experience
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.
Body paragraph 94
5.
Suggestions
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 and conclusions
Body paragraph 95
5.1
Suggestions
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 for external media
Body paragraph 96
5.1.1
Weibo
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Body paragraph 97
 Increase the frequency and
quality
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 of
Weibo
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, with some exquisite in-store pictures and
videos
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;
Body paragraph 98
 Pay money to
Weibo
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 Official buying stream or
users
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’
attention
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 so that more people could know about
Ciyuan
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.
Body paragraph 99
 Establish
Weibo
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 Super Topics to allow existing
customers
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 to share the
script
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 murder
experience
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 and photos in Super Talk and provide a place for the
fans
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 of
script
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 murder to discuss.
Body paragraph 100
5.1.2 Public comment
Body paragraph 101
 Add a brief
introduction
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 to the content of various scripts, including the type of
script
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, the
time
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 required, the
number
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 and gender of suitable players, the difficulty of pushing the hand, whether it needs players to change clothes, etc.
Body paragraph 102
 Attach effective
WeChat
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 contact
information
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 for
customers
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 to consult in detail.
Body paragraph 103
5.1.3 Official
account
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Body paragraph 104
 improve the in-store
script
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 and the latest activity
information
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 so that the data can be updated in
time
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 and the push will be more
time
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-sensitive;
Body paragraph 105
 Add more function blocks to allow
users
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 to match their specific needs directly;
Body paragraph 106
 Change the official
account
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name
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 to be the same as the business
name
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 to search for the official
account
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 fastest.
Body paragraph 107
5.1.4 Little Red
Book
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 (
Xiaohongshu
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):
Body paragraph 108
 Use events to expand the
number
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 of
fans
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;
Body paragraph 109
 Invite
users
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 of Little Red
Book
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 (
Xiaohongshu
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) who have more
fans
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 to
experience
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, test the
script
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 and
then
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 publish reviews and recommended articles.
Body paragraph 110
5.2
Suggestions
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 for costs input
Body paragraph 111
5.2.1
Customer
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 perspective
Body paragraph 112
Through our survey, investment in site
selection
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 and furnished is already at a top level in
Xiamen
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, but it would be better if
Ciyuan
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 could pay more
attention
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 to advertising. We can see that costs in propagating in online platforms are not very low, but unfortunately, it does not take full advantage of them. We suggest
Ciyuan
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 could improve its advertising plan and methods in these platforms and
further
Linking Words
 popularize the
immersive
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script
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experience
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brand
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.
Body paragraph 113
5.2.2 Supplier perspective
Body paragraph 114
We suggest that
Ciyuan
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 is expected to consistently devote highly to acquiring novel
script
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products
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 and participating in several exhibitions to refresh and update itself continuously.
Body paragraph 115
5.3 Conclusion:
Conclusion
In terms of our survey results,
Ciyuan
Use synonyms
 already has a relatively mature external
communication
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 system, and the benefits of its dissemination and popularization are
also
Linking Words
 awe-inspiring. As we mentioned, we got access to know about
Ciyuan
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, and after we experienced as
customers
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 of
Ciyuan
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, we found some minor deficiencies and had provided feedback to the management. Taking
account
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 of
Ciyuan
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’s operating circumstances, revenue and
cost
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 control, and vigorous development prospect, we believe that
Ciyuan
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 will do better and better in external
communication
Use synonyms
 after adopting our opinions.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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