IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays some countries encourage people to buy more and more products, which is good for economy. While others believe it is bad for the society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It has become highly controversial regarding the shopping ideology. Some countries promote unlimited purchasing of products to maintain a sound national economy,
while
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 others hold the view that excessive buying is detrimental to society.
This
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 essay will discuss both sides and declare my thoughts On the one hand, countries benefit financially from the excessive purchasing of
commodities
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 because it creates more
revenue
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, and the increased
revenue
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 can positively contribute to public welfare. By encouraging the public
spend
Fix the infinitive
to spend
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 more money on buying
commodities
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, extra profits are generated and gained by manufacturers.
As a result
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, the amount of tax those manufacturers pay is
accordingly
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 increased so that the annual
revenue
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 governments can collect is
also
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 enlarged.
Therefore
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, authorities can allocate the
risen
Verb problem
raised
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 budgets to municipal services
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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,
such
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 as infrastructure constructions and public medical insurance, and the public benefits from it eventually.
On the other hand
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,
encouragement
Correct article usage
the encouragement
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 of immoderate shopping deteriorates the shortage of
resources
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. Since people keep purchasing products, manufacturers have to speed up their productivity to meet the rising demands for goods, which means more raw materials are consumed.
However
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, some of the
commodities
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 will soon be regarded as unnecessary and
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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discarded
while
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 still functioning, which leads to a waste of materials.
Moreover
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, it is known that many
resources
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 on
this
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 planet are being depleted
rapidly
Correct quantifier usage
more rapidly
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 than expected and some of them are not sustainable,
for instance
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, petroleum products, the essential ingredient to produce plastic.
Consequently
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, the excessive purchasing of
commodities
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 worsens the lack of
resources
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. In conclusion, unlimited buying increases the
revenue
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 of local governments, and people’s life quality will be improved;
however
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, it wastes a great number of
resources
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.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction provides a clear outline of the topic and states the position effectively. However, it could be improved by summarizing the key points that will be discussed in the essay to enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
The argument supporting the benefits of excessive shopping is well-elaborated, but the negative side could use more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument regarding resource depletion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The use of transition words such as 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' helps organize the essay. However, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to connect ideas more smoothly throughout the text.
Task Achievement
The essay presents balanced arguments for both sides of the discussion, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The language used is generally clear and appropriate, effectively conveying the ideas.
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