IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?

#countries #people #hours #work #happen #development
In nowadays, when the world
is become
Change to the active voice
becomes
has become
show examples
 more and more developed, many aspects of human daily life
such
 as economy, service, technology,… are gradually developing as well. But to be like that, in some nations, individuals’ working
time
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 extended. So that
this
 essay will discuss why
this
 can
be happened
Change to the active voice
happen
show examples
 and whether it brought effective or bad growth. And in my view, I’m in its drawback. Today, we can easily
relize
Correct your spelling
realize
realise
 that there are several developed countries
such
 as Japan, Korea,… have
quite
Correct your spelling
quiet
show examples
 citizens who spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
time
 on their jobs.
Firstly
,
this
 could be because people like earning
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
 money for their futures.
Furthermore
, numerous individuals are more miserable in their family pressures.
Secondly
, residents have much work to do, so the
time
 must be extended.
Lastly
, it is simple to guess that they are keen on their work and want to do more to get achievements.
As a result
, there would be two different sides between the benefits and drawbacks of working overtime. When citizens are hard-working, they can do a lot of work and the speed of social developments will be increased.
Moveover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, they can get more success for their own, their
prestiges
Correct your spelling
prestige
prestigious
 are
also
 improved, many other individuals will make friend with them.
In contrast
 to the advantaged side, the extension of working
time
 is really awful. According to some newspapers, working too much could lead to depression and weakness in strength. In the worst situation, it’s the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 several suicides.
In addition
, residents aren’t getting closer than before as
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
truth
in
Add the comma(s)
,in
show examples
 reality, they care too much
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 working and don’t want to connect with each other. In summary, working overtime could
be happened
Change to the active voice
happen
have happened
show examples
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a few reasons like family depressions or getting achievements. But if I have to give a choice, I will say that it is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 negative development. We should care more about our family members and friends around us.
Submitted by hnphu79 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalent
  • economic pressures
  • financial stability
  • competitive job markets
  • corporate cultures
  • stigma
  • demonstrate dedication
  • advent of technology
  • blurred the lines
  • accelerated career progression
  • dedicated employee
  • significant negative implications
  • stress levels
  • mental health
  • physical health
  • social and family time
  • productivity
  • burnout
  • flexible working hours
  • work-life balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: