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Writing Samples
Band 6

The three pie charts show the production, consumption of coffee and where the profit goes around the world.

The three pie charts show the production, consumption of coffee and where the profit goes around the world.
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The first two pie charts present information about the consumption and production of
coffee
Use synonyms
 in four different countries. The
third
Linking Words
 pie chart describes the profit distribution in four categories
such
Linking Words
 as delivery, retailers, exporters and producers.
Overall
Linking Words
, the consumption of
coffee
Use synonyms
 is highest in Europe and America,
whereas
Linking Words
 South Africa is the largest
coffee
Use synonyms
 producer.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the biggest profit in the
coffee
Use synonyms
 business is made by delivery services. First of all, America and Europe consume
coffee
Use synonyms
 four times as much as the rest of the world. Japan produces 18% of
coffee
Use synonyms
 in the world
while
Linking Words
 consuming only 8%. South Africa produces 44%
coffee
Use synonyms
 which is double that of Indonesia.
Belong
Wrong verb form
Belonging
show examples
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 South Africa and Indonesia, Japan and Vietnam produce approximately the same amount of
coffee
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 the profit distribution chart, more than half of the earnings
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 received from
coffee
Use synonyms
 distribution. Retailers receive around a quarter of revenues
while
Linking Words
 the producers have only 15 per cent. The remaining 10 per cent of the total amount of income is acquired from exporters.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words coffee with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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