IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

A lot of research has shown that overeating can have a number of negative effects on the body. Some people therefore believe that the advertising of certain foods should be banned in the same way that some countries have banned advertising cigarettes. Do you agree or disagree?

#research #effects #body #people #foods #countries #cigarettes
There is a lot of people going to the hospital concerning to get treatment due to the negative effects of overeating.
Also
, some young generations getting fat because they eat fast food every day. At
first
, I remember that my father never used a private car, he reminded us
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 importance of active exercise, he often goes to his office on foot and he spent more than 3 hours
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
active walking. When I was in high school, we cannot find as many fat kids because all kids go to school on foot.
Furthermore
, we do not have any fast-food restraints.
However
, I admit that there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 huge risks for our young generation because they eat more and does not want to do exercise. These wrong habits
heading
Wrong verb form
head
show examples
 people
to
Change preposition
in to
show examples
wrong
Change the article
the wrong
show examples
 direction. Overeating and sitting on
chair
Add an article
a chair
the chair
show examples
 for
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time are causing many diseases
such
 as diabetes, many kinds of cancers including stomach, liver, pancreases.
Secondly
, I believe that government should pay high attention
on
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 these issues,
otherwise
 our young generation will face many health issues in the future.
For example
, 20 per cent of young people
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 fast food every day for their lunch and dinner. At the same time, there are so many convenience stores launching new branches every day to expand their business in the city. In my opinion, I strongly believe that government must control food-related advertisements in order to reduce overeating habits. In conclusion, I agree that any
food related
Add a hyphen
food-related
show examples
 advertisements should be banned as well as cigarettes and vodkas.
Submitted by tsembeek on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: