IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Young people often copy the behaviour of famous people, so celebrities should only be allowed to advertise healthy food or drink and should not encourage unhealthy habits such as smoking. Do you agree or disagree?

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Young
people
Use synonyms
 look up to
celebrities
Use synonyms
 and can be easily influenced by them. Because of
this
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that there should be restrictions on what
celebrities
Use synonyms
 can advertise, or on how they behave. In my view,
this
Linking Words
 seems a little unreasonable. It is true that
celebrities
Use synonyms
 have a lot of influence. Brands pay them large sums of money to use their products in the knowledge that
this
Linking Words
 will increase sales. These companies know that young
people
Use synonyms
,
in particular
Linking Words
 ,particular want to copy their heroes.
However
Linking Words
, not all of these businesses offer healthy choices.
Thus
Linking Words
, famous
people
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 sometimes promote less desirable behaviour. As a society, we need young
people
Use synonyms
 to follow good role models, and so
celebrities
Use synonyms
 need to understand that accepting money from advertising means that they are acting in
this
Linking Words
 capacity.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the famous need to be aware of their role in society and make good choices based on
this
Linking Words
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the proposal to restrict
celebrities
Use synonyms
 in some way may go too far.
While
Linking Words
 they should behave responsibly when in the public eye, they should
also
Linking Words
 be allowed the freedom to make their own decisions.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if we believe that young
people
Use synonyms
 will always copy the behaviour of others, even when
this
Linking Words
 is unwise, that indicates a different problem: the need for young
people
Use synonyms
 to learn how to think for themselves.
Thus
Linking Words
, rather than asking
celebrities
Use synonyms
 to change their lifestyle, we should teach the young to take responsibility for their life choices In conclusion, I can only partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 view.
Although
Linking Words
celebrities
Use synonyms
 should not promote unhealthy behaviour, I believe they have the right to choose for themselves how they earn money or spend their free time. It is far more important to teach young
people
Use synonyms
 to show their own good Judgment than to limit the freedom of others. (302)

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task achievement
Be sure to prominently address the task given with a clear position throughout your essay. While there was some relevancy in the response to the question prompt, there could be an increased focus on explicitly answering the question of whether you agree or disagree with the limitations on celebrity endorsements.
task achievement
Develop and support your main points with specific, relevant examples. The arguments were provided, but there was a lack of explicit detail and examples that could substantiate the claims made.
coherence cohesion
For a higher score, focus on ensuring that your essay has a balanced, transparent structure with clear transitions between paragraphs. The overall organization was sound, but at times, the essay would benefit from clearer links between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the cohesion of your essay by using a wider range of cohesive devices effectively and varying them throughout the text to help the reader navigate your argument smoothly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • endorsement
  • influence
  • lifestyle
  • consciousness
  • social responsibility
  • regulation
  • liberty
  • supply and demand
  • unintended consequences
  • critical thinking
  • brand image
  • nutrition
  • public figure
  • health advocacy
  • restrictions
  • moderation
  • consumer behavior
  • market forces
  • ethical advertising
  • personal brand
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