IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Nowadays many children are playing computer games instead of doing sports activities. Why is it happening? Is it a negative or positive development?

#children #computer #games #sports #activities #development
It is true that
children
 are living in a virtual world these days, as
result
Add an article
a result
show examples
 a sizeable proportion of
children
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society prefer to play video
games
 rather than
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 sports. There are several
reasons
 for which I believe
this
 to be a negative
development
. There are several
reasons
 why toddlers like to play
computer
games
 more than outdoor
games
. One
such
 reason is that, addiction to digital
games
. To be specific, digital
games
 provide a kind of thrill in toddlers and as
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 they feel to spend
Add a hyphen
long-playing
show examples
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
long
Replace the word
longer
show examples
 playing these
games
.
For example
, in a recent study conducted by Southern University that 75% of
children
 spend long hours in front of
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing
games
. Another reason is that, the
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hectic lifestyle of parents. In detail, due to
busy
Correct article usage
the busy
show examples
 work schedule of
parents
Add a comma
,parents
show examples
 they merely get
time
 to spend with
children
 to play outdoor
games
.
As a
result
,
children
 depend on gargets for free
time
 activity.
Hence
, these are
reasons
 why schoolers prefer virtual
games
 rather
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
that
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 physical activities. As an outcome of the above-mentioned
reasons
, I believe that playing
computer
games
 is certainly a negative
development
.
This
 is primarily because
computer
games
 deteriorate the socialization skills
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
children
.
This
 would mean that, since
children
 spend more
time
 playing video
games
, they do not get enough
time
 to interact with family and friends and
as a
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 they
lack
 socialization skills.
For instance
, recent studies proved that
children
 who are addicted to visual
games
 become more
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
show examples
.
Likewise
,
lack
 of physical activities leads to various health issues in
children
. To be clear,
children
 suffer from obesity and
other disease
Change the wording
another disease
other diseases
show examples
 like diabetics, cholesterol as they
lack
 physical exercise while spending most of the
time
 playing
computer
games
.
This
 can be illustrated with an example;
recent
Correct article usage
a recent
show examples
 survey suggests that 80% of toddlers become obese due to
lack
 of physical activity.
Therefore
, I believe that playing
computer
games
 is a negative
development
. To conclude, it is evident that playing digital
games
 by avoiding physical exercise is an adverse
development
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the above-mentioned
reasons
.
Submitted by divyaesa2012 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: