The use of violence in music lyrics, video games and films seen by children is causing concern in many societies. What problems may be caused by this type of violent imagery, and what steps could be taken to lessen the impact on young people?

In the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
smart technology,
Correct article usage
the

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
an
Correct your spelling
and

The word an doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
availability of video games, movies, songs, which contain roughness, among children is out of parental control.
This
can ultimately take a
serious
Add an article
the serious

The noun phrase serious toll seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
toll on individuals and
community
Correct article usage
the community

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
in various ways. In
this
essay, we will discuss three crises and the number of solutions
also
appears to be possible Perhaps the worst problem stemming from
this
is the maturity change. If one’s surrounding keeps issues ranging from murder, to fighting, and violence; they
are eventually believe
Change the verb form
eventually believe

It appears that the form of the verb believe does not work with are in this sentence.

show examples
that
such
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour

The spelling of behavior is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

show examples
is normal, or desirable.
This
situation leads
a
Change preposition
to a

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
further
crisis, which is an imitation. Youngers are more likely to mimic what they see; especially
in
Add the comma(s)
,in

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter in this case. Consider adding the comma(s).

show examples
this
case, they will behave improperly with their pets or friends, etc.
Finally
, we must consider the issue of mental health. Psychiatrists emphasize that the cognition of the developing brain is easily impaired by strong external stimulators, which
demonstrated
Add a missing verb
are demonstrated

It seems that you are missing a verb. Consider adding it.

show examples
by anxiety or aggressiveness. To curb these dangers, one key step would be to legislate more firmly to control the content as mentioned above;
for instance
, they could be censored by
age-limit
Correct your spelling
age limit

The word age-limit doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
.
This
would prevent unsuitable material influencing young minds. Another remedy may be to encourage child’s interest by attending training
such
as music, ballet, taekwondo and painting, etc., or parents spend more time with their family. All of these activities dilute psychiatric issues. In conclusion, the main problems from inappropriate content are all related
with
Change preposition
to

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
mental health;
however
Add the comma(s)
,however

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter however. Consider adding the comma(s).

show examples
the solution will be reversed by
combined
Add an article
the combined

The noun phrase combined action seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
action of caregivers and authorities.
Submitted by alexstudyin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Read more in the eBook

The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »

* free ebook for Premium users

What to do next:
Look at other essays: