IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of children have become hooked on fast food and aerated drinks that donot provide much nutritions . This poor diet has led to a rise in obesity among children . What are the problems that are associated with obesity in children and what steps could be taken to prevent?

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Eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 habits has become a trend among everyone
due to
Linking Words
 its taste.
Therefore
Linking Words
, children have become hooked
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 consuming fast meals without considering
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 side effects
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to developing many problems which I will explain and some solutions that can be taken to reduce them. To commence with the first problem,by eating fast
snack
Fix the agreement mistake
snacks
show examples
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 have to
face
Use synonyms
 many issues regarding their fitness as
firstly
Linking Words
, they have to
face
Use synonyms
 obesity
along with
Linking Words
 it , heart attack, blood pressure, and maybe
face
Use synonyms
 death . To elaborate, for making fast
food
Use synonyms
 , the quantity of oil
uses
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
 species to make it delicious which
put
Verb problem
has
show examples
 a direct impact on teenagers' health but they are
unconscious
Correct word choice
unaware
show examples
Change preposition
of
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 its effects .
Hence
Linking Words
, it will
put
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a bad effect on their life as by eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 on
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
 basis, they may
face
Use synonyms
 a Harmon imbalance problem too .
Further
Linking Words
 with solution, if a youngster wants to eat a fast meal
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
 they have to take some actions to
prevent
Verb problem
protect
show examples
 their well-being from many diseases
firstly
Linking Words
, they should eat homemade
food
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 do exercise on a daily basis which leads to maintain good strength and fit
along with
Linking Words
 it , they
also
Linking Words
 can join the gymnasium which can help to boost their stamina through
this
Linking Words
 they can easily digest fast
food
Use synonyms
 and become healthy .
Thus
Linking Words
, it would
put
Verb problem
have
show examples
 an impact on their Whole bony parts
as well as
Linking Words
 in their life .
To conclude
Linking Words
, fast cuisine is not only cheaper in cost but
also
Linking Words
 easily available at every place ,
however
Linking Words
, by consuming it, youth have to
face
Use synonyms
 health problems so they should eat
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 limited means occasionally and take some actions to
prevent
Verb problem
protect
show examples
 their body from diseases
such
Linking Words
 as eating homemade
food
Use synonyms
 , exercise, yoga , morning walk and gymnasium .

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the main points you will address in your essay. A more structured approach will improve clarity.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or details to support your ideas. This will strengthen your argument and show a deeper understanding of the issues related to obesity.
language
Make sure to check for grammatical accuracy and appropriate word choice. This will enhance the overall professionalism of your writing.
task achievement
You have identified key problems associated with obesity and suggested practical solutions, which is great.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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