IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should make efforts in reducing environenmental pollutions and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #efforts #pollutions
In recent years, illness and diseases have been preying on the minds of millions of
people
 in the world. Some
people
 suggest that the only way to win the battle against these invisible enemies is by addressing environmental hazards and housing issues. As far as I am concerned,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am on the same wavelength with
this
 statement. There is no room for doubt that environmental
pollutions
Fix the agreement mistake
pollution
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 increasingly worse and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a negative impact on human health. Take, air pollution as an example,which is caused by emissions from industrial factories and vehicles,
has
Correct word choice
and has
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 been blamed for
contracting
Verb problem
causing
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 respiratory problems
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 citizens.
However
, these thorny issues are not solved if the governmental bodies do not join hands
in
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. They should enforce laws to fine the transgressions polluting public areas,
encourage
Correct word choice
and encourage
show examples
 dwellers to commute by public
transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
.
Therefore
, a wide range of positive solutions for the authorities to do so
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should raise their voice and improve the living standard of
people
.
In addition
, the housing problem is
also
 a concern for the state to pay attention to, especially in metropolitans where
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 high proportion of workers concentrate there.
Due to
 the high living cost, some labourers become homeless and do not have fixed accommodations, they sleep in dirty places,
such
 as under the bridges or on the pavements.
That residing
Correct pronoun usage
Residing
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 in unhygienic areas
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
 them at high risk of contagious diseases, which could spread the virus to other innocent
people
, leading to the pandemic outbreak. In conclusion, no
countries
Fix the agreement mistake
country
show examples
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 to be isolated from diseases and illness so the local states must introduce and enforce appropriate measures to alleviate environmental issues and housing problems.
Submitted by ngoctranminh2411 on

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task response
Your essay addresses the task topic but lacks in providing a clear and comprehensive analysis of the issue. The points made are somewhat relevant but need further development and elaboration on the relationship between environmental issues, housing problems, and illness prevention.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion. The logical structure of the essay is evident, but there is room for improvement in the organization of ideas within paragraphs and the overall flow of the essay. The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more clearly linked to the main body of the essay.

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