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Band 4.5

Some people believe that all wild animals should be protected. Others say that few wild animals should be protected instead. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #animals
Several representatives of modern society deem that the vast majority of wild animals should be protected
whereas
 others argue with
this
 statement and contend that the minority of wild animals should be protected. From my perspective, I agree definitely with the former statement. I am going to reflect on
this
 essay my core position
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
such
 an issue in order to confirm my point of view by
mean’s
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means
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 of strong arguments On the one hand, modern humanity exerts an adverse impact on the planet and owing to its actions triggers certain repercussions for the environment. One of the main damages
for
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to
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 nature is composed of killing animals. As far as I am aware, a large number of species undergo jeopardy from communities.
Moreover
, actions, which are committed by hunters, have a significant influence on the population of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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wildlife
overall
.
For instance
, an insufficient number of individuals can suspend the breeding process.
Hence
,
such
 species can become extinct.
Therefore
, several experts allege that these individuals, especially endangered breeds must
save
Wrong verb form
be saved
show examples
.
On the other hand
, several people claim that it is not necessary to assist the environment and protect representatives of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wildlife. In my opinion, nature has a tremendous effect on humanity and every individual is immensely essential
for
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to
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 our existence.
Consequently
, killing birds, fishes,
beasts
Correct word choice
and beasts
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 humans damage not only them.
Conversely
, people damage the future of our planet and the
further
Correct word choice
future
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 generations.
Therefore
, I totally disagree that the minority of species should be saved.
To sum up
, I would stress that having discussed the most pertinent points about
this
 issue, it is true that
such
 a tendency incurs criticism.
Nonetheless
,only governments must decide
upon
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for themselves how they can save the environment. In my opinion, all representatives of wild nature should be protected.
Submitted by sunsistem123 on

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Essay structure and task response
Task response: The essay addresses the given prompt, but the argument lacks depth and balance. The response should present a more balanced discussion of both views and provide a clearer opinion with supporting points.
Coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the body paragraphs lack coherence and cohesive development. There is a need for better organization of ideas and use of cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecosystem
  • conservation status
  • ecological significance
  • holistic approach
  • endangered species
  • natural heritage
  • unforeseen negative impacts
  • economically non-viable
  • prioritization
  • ecosystem balance
  • conservation efforts
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