IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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​Across the globe, the vast majority of the population deems that the government is responsible for solutions to young generations’ health problems like unhealthy eating disorders. I advocate strongly with the opinion of the majority and am going to reflect my own view of
such
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 a common issue. ​First of all, those in favour of blaming authorities for
this
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 problem have valid reasons to be concerned about their youngsters’ well-being and enormous danger for the
country
Change noun form
country's
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 future as well. It is
undeniable
Correct article usage
an undeniable
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 fact that officials
power
Add a missing verb
have power
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 over the fast-food industry and unhealthy meal advertisement systems that major
spoiler
Fix the agreement mistake
spoilers
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 of children’s form.
In addition
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 to that one of the crucial duties of the country is to take care of the young members of the society who are going to replace the elders.
That is
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 why it is important to prevent children from consuming food that leads to obesity. ​
On the other hand
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, it can be spotted that the issue
also
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 results from a lack of discipline and potential mistakes that are made in the process of bringing up. Nowadays, numerous parents have no cooking skills in order to make a healthy meal at home and they end up going out to eat at different places or using delivery
serves
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services
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 directly from restaurants. In fact, children have been given a lot of freedom and choices to choose what they want to eat in a family which is one of the major issues done by role models namely parents.
For example
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, over the past 10 ,years health-damaging drinks and food consumption has risen by 30%
according to
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 the research.
Although
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 fast food and fizzy drinks have
short term
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short-term
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 joy the long-term
effect
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effects
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 will even be more serious. ​
To conclude
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, I would stress that the problem is hard to solve by one side
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thus
Correct word choice
and thus
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 need the cooperation of both parents and the government to address it.

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the responsibility of the government in solving the issue of children becoming overweight and unhealthy. However, the argument could be more developed and the counter-argument could be presented more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, however, the body paragraphs lack coherence and relevant transition phrases. It is important to organize the ideas more cohesively and maintain a clear structure throughout the essay.
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