IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #individuals #internet #companies #organizations #outweigh
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Recently, giant internet entities adopted an approach of recording and tracking people private
information
Use synonyms
, these
information
Use synonyms
 are used to build a huge database that contains maybe every aspect of our life, starting from minor and general
information
Use synonyms
 up to very specific detailed
information
Use synonyms
. I believe that the advantages of
such
Linking Words
approach
Correct article usage
an approach
show examples
doesn't
Change the verb form
don't
show examples
 outweigh the disadvantage,
although
Linking Words
 the former might be beneficial from different perspectives. One of the main advantages of recording general
information
Use synonyms
 like name, age, gender, etc. is that some smart web pages are using
this
Linking Words
 age data to block some web contents which are not suitable to the user age, some other employs
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gender
information
Use synonyms
 to select what type of advertisements to be presented to the user, and so on.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, collecting and saving users private
information
Use synonyms
 requires a serious level of protection and security since now we are living in a digital world. These days burglars are not wearing a black striped T-shirt and
waiting
Add the preposition
forwaiting
show examples
 you to get outside of your home, today internet theifs are called hackers and can hack into any software no matter the level of security is being used, hackers can access users private
information
Use synonyms
 and apply phishy tricks to steal valuable things on the personal level like your credit card
information
Use synonyms
 and clean your bank account. In my personal opinion, recording users personal
information
Use synonyms
 has some advantages but the associated risks
are far surpasses
Change the verb form
are far surpassed
are far surpassing
show examples
 and can not be mitigated or tolerated. The disadvantage of exposing recorded user
information
Use synonyms
 is
impairable
Correct your spelling
comparable
 and badly serious, Organizations shouldn't proceed to collect
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 unless they are capable of protecting them.
Submitted by eng.ahmed.mohamed.2007 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: