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Band 4.5

Many animal species in world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on problems of human beings. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#species #world #people #countries #individuals #animals #beings
When it comes to the topic of
preservation
Correct article usage
the preservation
show examples
 of wildlife, some
people
 argue that governments should focus on the improvement of citizens’ living standards,
instead
 of spending money on
wildlifelife
Correct your spelling
wildlife life
 conservation.
However
, others insist that it is extremely necessary to protect wild
animals
. Personally, I strongly agree that conserving endangered
animals
 is essential, which is virtually
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 human responsibility. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both perspectives
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and explain why I opt for
this
 view. On one hand, some
people
 advocate that local authorities and individuals should
concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
show examples
 about the issues with human beings by allocating funds, rather than considering the existence of wild creatures. In
another word
Fix the agreement mistake
other words
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, they believe that it is a waste of resources and
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
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 to protect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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extinct
animals
, especially for those countries that are still struggling with
meeting
Wrong verb form
meet
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 the basic
demand
Fix the agreement mistake
demands
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 of
citizen’s life
Change noun form
citizens
show examples
.
According to
 their view, if a developing country allocates too much time and energy to safeguarding wildlife,
instead
 of catering for its
people
’s
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
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, the consequences will be catastrophic. I mean, by
then
, residents’
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 will be under poor conditions, and society will witness a structural unemployment issue.
Therefore
,
this
 group of
people
 think that sparing any sort of effort on extinct
animals
 is meaningless, and they believe that we should prioritize the development of our human society
instead
.
On the other hand
, another group of
people
,
as well as
 I, recommend that we should protect vulnerable
animals
due to
 the following aspects. First and foremost, extinct creatures are important for the balance of the ecosystem.
For example
, if we leave sea turtles alone, the whole marine ecosystem will not be in equilibrium.
Hence
,
this
 will unavoidably cause catastrophic effects on the environment and eventually lead to human beings’ trouble in life,
such
 as ocean acidification and
decline
Correct article usage
a decline
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 in
coastal
Correct article usage
the coastal
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 city’s economy.
Secondly
, if governments ignore the wild
animals
, we will face the crisis of decline in biodiversity which supports human and societal needs in a non-negligible way. Without biodiversity, food, nutrition security, energy, development of medicines and pharmaceuticals and freshwater are not being able to underpin good health.
Therefore
, even though we might not see the benefit in the short term, we believe that it is crucial to protect those
animals
 which are endangered for the sake of the
overall
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
 benefit. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 argue that governments should guarantee the basic living of
people
, I firmly believe that preventing those
animals
 from disappearing is greatly significant.
Submitted by Esther on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction lacked a clear statement of the writer's opinion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that the ideas presented are logically connected.
task achievement
Provide additional specific examples to support your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • cascading effects
  • economic impacts
  • ecosystem
  • endangered species
  • environmental conservation
  • human welfare
  • moral duty
  • preserve
  • sustainable practices
  • habitats
  • interconnected
  • extinction
  • advocates
  • opponents
  • priority
What to do next:
Look at other essays: