IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In many parts of the world, people search for family history. some people think that finding for the previous generations is a thing to do,but others think that it is better to be focus on present and future generations.discuss both views and show your opinion.

#parts #world #people #search #history #generations #focus #future #show
In several areas worldwide, individuals are investigated to family past for obtaining information about their behaviour and rules.
However
, others assume that the community should focus only on modern and future youth.
This
 essay intends to analyse both perspectives. I personally believe that
nation
Correct article usage
the nation
show examples
 should
give
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
concentrate on upcoming clans because it assists
to
Change preposition
in to
show examples
grow
Replace the word
growth
show examples
up
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the nation and family as well.
To begin
 with, if the population find the history of an ancient family,
then
 they will obtain a piece of knowledge about their habits, behaviour and rules which assists to make an excellent
further
 community because they know about moral values from grandparents.
Moreover
, they do not only know about their culture and characters but
also
 look at the reputation in the society and they know about
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 good deeds which were done in the past.
Hence
, all these things help to create a better society and
youth
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
 individuals.
On the other hand
,
firstly
, the population can not become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
successful people in their life unless do not focus on their present family because it is essential to guide new modern
household
Fix the agreement mistake
households
show examples
 for making a bright career with the support of near and dear
as well as
 family members
such
 as how to follow the discipline, what is the aim in their own life and how to achieve
this
 rather than knowing about family past.
Secondly
, the public could obtain name and fame in order to succeed in their goal. So, the national economy
also
 increases with the intelligent young tribe.
As a result
, if the individuals
make
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a better future,
then
 they will
take
Verb problem
be
show examples
 extremely
happiness
Replace the word
happy
show examples
. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion,
although
 family history taught us enormous moral values which is mandatory for increasing the value in society, obtaining happiness, goal and a good career
just
Rephrase
apply
show examples
only depend on focusing on the present and future folk.
Submitted by tanvirkaur.0184 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses both views, but the argumentation lacks clarity and focus. It is important to carefully analyze each perspective in detail.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. The cohesion between the paragraphs is weak, and the essay lacks a logical flow of ideas. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: