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Band 4

Some people believe that too many resources and attention are devoted to the protection of wild animals and birds. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #resources #attention #protection #animals #birds
In many countries, the reductions in the number of animals and birds
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 consistent for over a decade,
therefore
 numerous assets and awareness are needed to take care of them. It seems to me that the above statement is convenient for the world, and I will explain why in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, funds are worth using to protect critters because they are beautiful creatures for the earth. If they did not have
in
Change preposition
apply
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the land,
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 would feel
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a loss is something that we can't imagine.
The
Correct article usage
An
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 example can be seen in the disappearance of dinosaurs
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 can only
see
Wrong verb form
be seen
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 at the museum as a pattern with bones.
Secondly
, we can get several advantages from them
such
 as bees who develop honey from their honeycombs,
however
,
this
 is not to say to be overused.
In addition
, the balance of nature is the major reason for
this
 case.
For example
, if individuals destroyed forests and killed mammals,
this
 would be the problem of climate change.
Finally
, we can
also
 get opportunities like
to construct
Change the verb form
constructing
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 zoos which have both advantages for non-humans and finance for human beings. For illustration, the
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 gotten from the visitors who
came
Wrong verb form
come
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 to the zoo
therefore
 the owners of that place can maintain animals
such
 as lions, monkeys, birds and so on. It is true that there are some negatives to
look
Wrong verb form
looking
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 after beasts
such
finical
Correct your spelling
as financial
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 problems which need countless amounts of money to buy facilities and rent workers.
Moreover
, there are different situations
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 need help from the government
such
 as orphans, pollution, transportation and so on. In summary, the sources of beauty, the foods and takings that are received from them with the indirect methods combine together to the reasons that too many resources and attention are devoted to the protection of wild animals and birds,
thus
, I agree with the fact which is given in question because of the above remedies.
Submitted by thetpaingphuewaigracie on

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are not fully developed and lack clarity. Ensure that your introduction provides clear background information and a thesis statement, while your conclusion summarizes your main points and restates your position.
task achievement
Make sure to address all aspects of the question and provide a clear position at the beginning of your essay. Use specific examples to support your ideas and ensure that your points are clearly presented and relevant to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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