IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
Nowadays,
people
 argue about violence from television and computer games would affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society in different ways while
others
 have the opposite idea that
these factor
Change the determiner
this factor
these factors
show examples
 can not have any significant effects on the behaviour of participants. The violent content
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in every social media does affect
people
 to an extreme level as it can
motivates
Change the verb form
motivate
show examples
people
 to hurt
others
, that being said, it does not
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
originally have any intentions to hurt
others
, it motivates
others
. Though, the issuers must take measures about anything they put on television,
such
 that they do not include extreme violence. Individuals do not have any plan on hurting
others
, but after watching some violent situations,
then
, they might trigger them into
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
thought to hurt other
people
.
For example
, a
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
 murder case involves two boys at very young ages, about 10 years old, a boy who was affected by a survival shooter game named "Free Fire", murdered his friend because he thought his friend can respawn like the characters in these game.
On the other hand
, currently,
such
 violent video games are being played by millions of
people
 around the world and most of them do not have thoughts or inflicted of
harming
Change the form of the verb
harm
show examples
 onto
others
. Due to the fact that they do not affect the society in a negative manner, just some of them but the harm
done
Add the auxiliary verb
is done
show examples
 by these individuals is really extreme.
However
, if
people
are realise
Change the verb form
are realising
show examples
 the downsides of
such
 violent actions, they might raise awareness and learn from them to take their own protective solutions and be careful In conclusion, the
violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
 scenery in the media does not so dangerous as
people
belived
Correct your spelling
believed
believe
, rather , it affects the ones who are not normal, and it can
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
 those kinds of
people
 more ideas that they might
caused
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
.
Therefore
, in my opinion, they are not
so
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 bad as most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 thought, they do not significantly affect the society
Submitted by hoangthanhnam.dav on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: