IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many of the problems that people are experiencing in today’s world are due to the fact that we have a very sedentary lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today’s world majority of the population is battling with many issues. It cannot be denied that an inactive lifestyle is the origin of numerous health issues. From my perspective, static routine is not only the main reason
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 there are
also
Linking Words
 several other factors contributing to these problems. I will detail them below.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, no doubt that
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of physical exercise is the
more
Use the right word
most
show examples
 prominent reason for a number of illnesses
Punctuation problem
, either
show examples
either
Correct word choice
both
show examples
physically
Replace the word
physical
show examples
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
mentally
Replace the word
mental
show examples
. Rapid
globalization
Use the right word
globalisation
show examples
 and the growth of technology have made
peoples’
Check wording
people’s
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 rather easy when compared to the olden days. Many of the chores
either
Punctuation problem
, either
show examples
 at the workplace or at
home
Punctuation problem
home,
show examples
 are carried out with the help of machines
requiring
Punctuation problem
, requiring
show examples
 very little bodily involvement.
Moreover
Linking Words
, most of the jobs are technically based
requiring
Punctuation problem
, requiring
show examples
 a smaller amount of physical movement and mostly
requires
Wrong verb form
requiring
show examples
 a lot of sitting.
For example
Linking Words
, household tasks are carried out with the aid of home appliances
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
requires
Correct subject-verb agreement
require
show examples
 less
putting hands
Verb problem
manual
show examples
 on.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are many other factors that are causing a negative impact on humankind. Pollution is another cause of many diseases that are growing increasingly
.
Correct word choice
common.
show examples
 Toxins released into the air
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 contaminating the environment and making the air impure to breathe and thereby causing respiratory diseases.
Fertilizers
Use the right word
Fertilisers
show examples
 and chemicals used in agriculture are poisoning the food items
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of
such
Linking Words
 inorganic foods is
also
Linking Words
 causing many health issues
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as cancers and digestive problems. Drinking water available
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
containing
Wrong verb form
contains
show examples
 many pollutants
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
and is
therefore
Linking Words
 harming inhabitants on a large scale.
To sum up
Linking Words
, there are many other factors leading to the majority of problems mankind is facing in the modern world
apart
Punctuation problem
, apart
show examples
 from an inactive lifestyle. In conclusion, people have to put their physical fitness and strength
on
Change preposition
as
show examples
 top priority in any circumstances.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Be clear about your view in the first sentence and keep that view in all parts of the essay.
Task Response
Use a simple plan: intro with your view, 2 body parts with one main idea and a short example, and a short conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Link ideas with simple link words like 'also', 'and', 'but', 'so' to help flow.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make each paragraph have a topic sentence that states the idea. Then give a reason and a small example.
Grammar and Style
Keep sentences short and clear to avoid long, hard lines.
Content and Reasons
Give clearer examples to back up each main point.
Accuracy
Check spelling and grammar to help be understood.
stance
The essay shows a clear view of the main idea.
structure
There is a beginning, middle and end in the essay.
content
The idea that other factors also play a role is well shown.
content
The writer tries to use examples like appliances and pollution.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: