IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some countries are struggling with increases in crime rates. Some believe that having more police on the streets is best way to reduce and combat crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #increases #crime #rates #believe #police #streets #combat
Combating
crime
 is not solely about deploying more
police
 on the
street
nor
Correct word choice
or
show examples
 sending more
people
 to
jails
, but
also
 it is more about improving the major factors
such
 as financial deprivation and less educational chances. I do believe that
this
 is a much more effective way to
crime
 fighting for the following reasons. There are some major reasons why
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
deploying more
police
 on the
street
 and sending more
people
 to
jails
 are not the best ways to
crime
 eradication.
Firstly
, it is often found that
people
 dare not to commit crimes simply
because
Add the preposition
ofbecause
show examples
 the presence of
police
. Spreading more
police
 on the
street
 doesn't mean that there will be no blind spots for the
people
 to do criminality.
Secondly
, sending more perpetrators to
jails
 will only give them "a temporary lesson" that may lead to other bigger crimes in the future.
Crime fighting
Add a hyphen
Crime-fighting
show examples
 is more effective by focusing more on the root causes
such
 as improving financial deprivation and
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 educational opportunities. The
first
 predominant factor, financial
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
, becomes the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
crime
Add an article
the crime
show examples
. For some
people
, they forcedly become thieves or robbers
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
simply
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
put
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 on their tables. Apart from that, eliminating social gaps between the wealthy and the poor
people
 makes them perceive equality. Equality leads to contentment feeling that avoids criminalities. As for the
second
 main reason, enhancing the quality of education is believed to improve the quality of mankind in terms of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
morality and the skills that can bring them to get proper occupations to get distant from doing crimes. To conclude,
crime fighting
Add a hyphen
crime-fighting
show examples
 is more effective by focusing more on prosperity creation and enhancing education quality than by only deploying more
police
 on the
street
 and sending more
people
 to
jails
.
Submitted by nadita.ayudya on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: