Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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An overwhelming number of
people
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hold the
believe
Replace the word
belief

The word believe doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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that
music
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holds a crucial
role
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in the community
whereas
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other
section
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sections

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of
society
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think that it is just used for
entertainment
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purposes. In my opinion, I strongly agree that
music
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holds the greatest importance in
the
Correct article usage
apply

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society
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as it helps
people
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to heal from mental stress. As these points require prudent elaboration, let us delve deeper into them
alongwith
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along with

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the pertinent examples and my own viewpoint in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
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with, there are multifarious reasons
behind
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why
people
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think that
music
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plays an important
role
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in
society
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which cannot be undermined. First and foremost, since
music
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is important in
society
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, it may hugely aid in inculcating
aristic
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artistic

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skills in
people
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. To explain, when
people
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plays
Change the verb form
play

The verb plays does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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music
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around them, they eventually get interested in the field of
music
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and they might take
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

opportunity to learn
music
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or take
music
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for their career in future.
As a result
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, not only
do
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does

The verb do does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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music
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plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play

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a special
role
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in motivating
people
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to develop artistic qualities in them but they
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

more
oftenly
Correct your spelling
often

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make a career out of
this
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

profession and
brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring

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laurels
in
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to

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the nation. To cite an example, Ms. Katharine Viner, the editor-in-chief of The Guardian Newspaper, in her editorial “Pragmatic effects of
music
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in
society
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” in May 2017 clearly unveiled that many
people
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were keenly interested in
music
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because it usually helped them to develop artistic skills in them.
On the contrary
Linking Words

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, even if
music
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is commonly listened
by
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to by

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people
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, another school of thought
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply

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believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes

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that
music
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is only a form of
entertainment
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to
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apply

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them
Correct pronoun usage
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. Primarily, if
people
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listen to
music
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, they simply enjoy it for fun purposes. To clarify, whenever
people
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want to enjoy their leisure time,
music
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plays a part of
entertainment
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to them so they may simply
plays
Change the verb form
play

The verb plays after the modal verb may does not appear to be in the correct form. Consider changing the verb form.

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music
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around for their big celebrations, small house parties, big fat weddings and
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

for friends hangout time.
As a consequence
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
people
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more
Add a missing verb
are more

It seems that you are missing a verb. Consider adding it.

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likely
plays
Change the verb form
to play

Plays doesn’t seem to work here.

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music
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for
the
Correct article usage
apply

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entertainment
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only
as well as
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

to enjoy
better engaged
Add a hyphen
better-engaged

It appears that better engaged is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

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conversations through
music
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with other
people
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in
society
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.To exemplify, a painstaking research conducted by
University
Correct article usage
the University

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of Maryland in the USA in August 2018 on a group of 1050
people
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ranging between 15-45 years old had clearly revealed that 87% of them listened to
music
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as they wanted to entertain themselves only. In my opinion, I truly believe that
as
Correct word choice
apply

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if
music
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contributes
Verb problem
plays

There may be a verb use issue here.

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an essential
role
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in
society
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, it definitely
heal
Correct subject-verb agreement
heals

It seems that the verb heal does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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people
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from their
illnesseses
Correct your spelling
illnesses

If you don’t want illnesseses to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter especially the mental sickness. Consider adding the comma(s).

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the
Correct article usage
apply

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mental sickness. To expatiate, I believe so because
music
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has a healing power, these days
people
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are usually suffering from mental stress and sickness and most
of
Change preposition
apply

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the
Correct article usage
apply

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doctors and
psychologist
Fix the agreement mistake
psychologists

It seems that psychologist may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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advise
people
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to listen to
music
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to relieve their
stresses
Fix the agreement mistake
stress

It seems that stresses may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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out
Change preposition
apply

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. Resultantly, not only
do
Verb problem
are

There may be a verb use issue here.

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people
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

be
Verb problem
apply

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able to leave their hectic days’ tension
away
Rephrase
apply

There may be an adverb issue here.

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by simply listening to calm and peaceful
music
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but they
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

enhance their
overall
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

efficiency at work and
at
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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personal
Correct pronoun usage
their personal

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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lives.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, Dr. Sigmund Freud, an eminent psycholoanalyst in his study of Human Behaviour and Cognitive Skills asserted that many
people
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had been improving
on
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apply

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their mental health since doctors recommended
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply

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music
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for its healing
property
Fix the agreement mistake
properties

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. To encapsulate, it can be concluded that even though many
people
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assert that
music
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plays an essential
role
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in
society
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

, for others it is simply a fun
entertainment
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form. I vehemently espouse that
music
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is one of the most unprecedented
part
Change to a plural noun
parts

The singular countable noun part follows the quantifier one of, which requires a plural noun. Consider using a plural noun or a different quantifier.

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of
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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society
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

because it greatly helps
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to heal from their mental illnesses.

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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