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Band 4

Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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An overwhelming number of
people
Use synonyms
 hold the
believe
Replace the word
belief
show examples
 that
music
Use synonyms
 holds a crucial
role
Use synonyms
 in the community
whereas
Linking Words
 other
section
Fix the agreement mistake
sections
show examples
 of
society
Use synonyms
 think that it is just used for
entertainment
Use synonyms
 purposes. In my opinion, I strongly agree that
music
Use synonyms
 holds the greatest importance in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 as it helps
people
Use synonyms
 to heal from mental stress. As these points require prudent elaboration, let us delve deeper into them
alongwith
Correct your spelling
along with
 the pertinent examples and my own viewpoint in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, there are multifarious reasons
behind
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why
people
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 think that
music
Use synonyms
 plays an important
role
Use synonyms
 in
society
Use synonyms
 which cannot be undermined. First and foremost, since
music
Use synonyms
 is important in
society
Use synonyms
, it may hugely aid in inculcating
aristic
Correct your spelling
artistic
 skills in
people
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. To explain, when
people
Use synonyms
plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 around them, they eventually get interested in the field of
music
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 and they might take
this
Linking Words
 opportunity to learn
music
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 or take
music
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 for their career in future.
As a result
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, not only
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
music
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plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a special
role
Use synonyms
 in motivating
people
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 to develop artistic qualities in them but they
also
Linking Words
 more
oftenly
Correct your spelling
often
 make a career out of
this
Linking Words
 profession and
brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
show examples
 laurels
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the nation. To cite an example, Ms. Katharine Viner, the editor-in-chief of The Guardian Newspaper, in her editorial “Pragmatic effects of
music
Use synonyms
 in
society
Use synonyms
” in May 2017 clearly unveiled that many
people
Use synonyms
 were keenly interested in
music
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 because it usually helped them to develop artistic skills in them.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, even if
music
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 is commonly listened
by
Change preposition
to by
show examples
people
Use synonyms
, another school of thought
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
show examples
 that
music
Use synonyms
 is only a form of
entertainment
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. Primarily, if
people
Use synonyms
 listen to
music
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, they simply enjoy it for fun purposes. To clarify, whenever
people
Use synonyms
 want to enjoy their leisure time,
music
Use synonyms
 plays a part of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 to them so they may simply
plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 around for their big celebrations, small house parties, big fat weddings and
also
Linking Words
 for friends hangout time.
As a consequence
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,
people
Use synonyms
more
Add a missing verb
are more
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 likely
plays
Change the verb form
to play
show examples
music
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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entertainment
Use synonyms
 only
as well as
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 to enjoy
better engaged
Add a hyphen
better-engaged
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 conversations through
music
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 with other
people
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 in
society
Use synonyms
.To exemplify, a painstaking research conducted by
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of Maryland in the USA in August 2018 on a group of 1050
people
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 ranging between 15-45 years old had clearly revealed that 87% of them listened to
music
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 as they wanted to entertain themselves only. In my opinion, I truly believe that
as
Correct word choice
apply
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if
music
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contributes
Verb problem
plays
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 an essential
role
Use synonyms
 in
society
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, it definitely
heal
Correct subject-verb agreement
heals
show examples
people
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 from their
illnesseses
Correct your spelling
illnesses
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mental sickness. To expatiate, I believe so because
music
Use synonyms
 has a healing power, these days
people
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 are usually suffering from mental stress and sickness and most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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doctors and
psychologist
Fix the agreement mistake
psychologists
show examples
 advise
people
Use synonyms
 to listen to
music
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 to relieve their
stresses
Fix the agreement mistake
stress
show examples
out
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apply
show examples
. Resultantly, not only
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
people
Use synonyms
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
able to leave their hectic days’ tension
away
Rephrase
apply
show examples
by simply listening to calm and peaceful
music
Use synonyms
 but they
also
Linking Words
 enhance their
overall
Linking Words
 efficiency at work and
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
personal
Correct pronoun usage
their personal
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 lives.
For example
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, Dr. Sigmund Freud, an eminent psycholoanalyst in his study of Human Behaviour and Cognitive Skills asserted that many
people
Use synonyms
 had been improving
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their mental health since doctors recommended
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 for its healing
property
Fix the agreement mistake
properties
show examples
. To encapsulate, it can be concluded that even though many
people
Use synonyms
 assert that
music
Use synonyms
 plays an essential
role
Use synonyms
 in
society
Use synonyms
, for others it is simply a fun
entertainment
Use synonyms
 form. I vehemently espouse that
music
Use synonyms
 is one of the most unprecedented
part
Change to a plural noun
parts
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 because it greatly helps
people
Use synonyms
 to heal from their mental illnesses.

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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