IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

the charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years 1960 and 2010

the charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years 1960 and 2010
#show #percentage #people #sectors #town #b #two #years
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The pie chart compares the workforce being employed in different fields : manufacturing,
sales
Use synonyms
, and services in
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
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 A and B in 1960 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly observed that the proportion of workers in
Use synonyms
sales
Correct article usage
the sales
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 sector which was the largest one in 1960 was substituted by that of employees in manufacturing in 2010 in
town
Use synonyms
 A,
whereas
Linking Words
 people working in
sales
Use synonyms
 remained the most significant field in 2010 in
town
Use synonyms
 B.
Staring
Correct your spelling
Starting
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 in 1960 in
town
Use synonyms
 A, at 41 % ,
sales
Use synonyms
 was the biggest working sector, followed by services and manufacturing at 30% and 29%,respectively.
However
Linking Words
, manufacturing replaced
sales
Use synonyms
 as the primary working field which accounted for 60% in 2010,
whereas
Linking Words
sales
Use synonyms
 and services dropped by 21% and 14% to 20 and 16%, respectively in the same year. With regard to
town
Use synonyms
 A,
although
Linking Words
 the proportion of
sales
Use synonyms
 dropped moderately from 70% to 53%, it remained the biggest sector of
working
Replace the word
work
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
manufacturing
Add an article
the manufacturing
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 ratio in 1960 was over two times higher than that in 2010.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, town with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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