IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

1. Some people believe that children should do organized activities in their free time while others believe that children should be free to do what they want to do in their free time. What is your opinion?

#people #children #activities #time
It is believed by some that organizing leisure
activities
 is essential for
children
. The alternative view is that they should have the freedom to do
activities
 of their choice. Personally, I agree with the former view because of the immense benefits
this
 approach offers,
although
 there are some caveats for
parents
 to take into consideration. On the one hand, the main rationale behind organizing
children
’s
activities
 is that it ensures they reap the true benefits of the chosen
activities
. For many
activities
, it is important for participants to overcome initial setbacks.
For example
, learning to play the guitar entails
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 seemingly monotonous drills and enduring finger pains and mental frustration. Only
after
this
 stage can learners play more sophisticated songs.
This
 struggle at the beginning is more likely to be overcome with a degree of organization in one’s schedule. Indeed, many accomplished musicians have to practice, following strict routines throughout their childhood, without which it can be difficult to advance beyond the surface level. 
On the other hand
, there are
also
 those who believe in total freedom for
children
’s free time. They argue that organized
activities
 if chosen by
parents
 without concerning the child’s interest, can lead to resentment, which might be counter-productive. An example of
this
 is the Vietnamese
parents
 who force their
children
 to learn the piano, despite their dislike. These
parents
 hope that
this
 particular instrument will help their
children
 develop their musicality and enjoy
this
 art form.
However
, many
children
 later describe their piano lessons as nightmares and carry
this
 stigma into adulthood. If
instead
, they are given freedom over what instrument to learn, the scenario described above might be averted. In conclusion, I believe organized
activities
 are highly beneficial as long as the participants are involved in the decision-making process.
Submitted by nghi.bella.phan on

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task response
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coherence and cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure throughout the essay, ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
lexical resource
Expand the range of vocabulary used and demonstrate a more varied and precise use of lexical resources.
grammatical range
Strive to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and appropriate use of punctuation.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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