IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

#countries #teenagers #jobs #students #idea #support
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no doubt that the adolescence stage takes
place
Correct article usage
the place
show examples
 of changes among youths.
Although
Linking Words
 all workplaces could be beneficial to teens, I believe that adolescent jobs could be disadvantageous to them. In
this
Linking Words
is say
Verb problem
case
show examples
, I will delineate both notions
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
then
Linking Words
 come up with my opinion. To commence with, the biggest important part of adolescence band is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education.
While
Linking Words
 children are rising up, they should learn more and more. The onus of education is on their families
first,
Linking Words
then
Linking Words
 it lies on schools,
societies
Correct word choice
and societies
show examples
 as well. The early learning phase of children starts simultaneously with their biological, psychological, and cognitive development. All of these interactions prevent them from focusing
hardly
Change the word
hard
show examples
 on one more subject.
For instance
Linking Words
. If adolescents work beside their schools, they will inevitably get low marks on whatever course. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, their living expenses should be likely taken by their parents. The poor extends rapidly across the world. The financial burdens of families become more difficult every day. To
get
Verb problem
make
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
matter
Fix the agreement mistake
matters
show examples
 worse, Tuition fees are costly for many families. For that reason, many parents have to orient their offspring to help them by getting jobs.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, some households immerse their teens in workplaces, justifying that the more connections with people the more development of their social skills. In conclusion, though a quest to inculcate and develop precious skills for adolescents plays a major role in their personalities, the negative aspects that
such
Linking Words
 working environments bring to teenage students
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not well worth the cost.
Submitted by xx on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide a more balanced view by considering both advantages and disadvantages of teenagers having jobs while still students. Use clear topic sentences and logical connections between ideas to improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that summarize the main points. Use transition words and logical sequencing to improve coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: