IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think hard work and determination bring sucess. Others think other factors such as money and good appearance are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #work #determination #sucess #factors #money #appearance
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is believed that
success
Use synonyms
 depends on hard-working and determination, while others claim that
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 salary and appearance are more important to be successful. I believe that both two motivations are important to reach goals and in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
 I will discuss both these points of view and give my opinion. On the one hand, some
peole
Correct your spelling
people
 who want to be a scientist or famous
actress
Fix the agreement mistake
actresses
show examples
 are eager to study more than ordinary
people
Use synonyms
. These extraordinary persons are keen on studying and doing experiments rather than building a family, participating in social events or hanging out with their friends. Thanks to these kinds of talented individuals, we have a variety of technological developments like the internet which provide numerous knowledge. If they were not so passionate about learning and searching, today most of
machines
Correct article usage
the machines
show examples
 and devices we take for granted would not
invented
Change the verb form
be invented
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, the invention of some vaccination was not for saving money, it is done for saving human life and serving them
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
healthier life.
Therefore
Linking Words
, hardworking and determination are important motivations for having
success
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, most
people
Use synonyms
 are not happy with their jobs because of their low salary, so they do not show more effort to proceed in their area, and
eventually
Add a comma
,eventually
show examples
 they have to experience
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
failure.
However
Linking Words
, if managers
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
 their employees enough money to live in luxury and better job opportunities, they will become more enthusiastic to be involved in projects and take more responsibilities.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 wealthy lifestyle makes
people
Use synonyms
 feel unstressed and they would think about new ideas and solutions.
Thus
Linking Words
, the amount of salary and living conditions are substantial elements leading
people
Use synonyms
 to
success
Use synonyms
. To recapitulate, there are a variety of factors leading
people
Use synonyms
 to get
success
Use synonyms
. While some
people
Use synonyms
 give more value to money, some are passionate about research.
Consequently
Linking Words
, all of these make their own contribution to
success
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by fatmaymc23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: