IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the crime among teenagers is increasing because of violent video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are some views about the contribution of violent online matches to the growth of juvenile delinquency. I partly agree with
this
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 opinion since
apart
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, apart
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 from brutal games, other factors could
as well
Rephrase
also
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 lead to the high rate of transgression committed by youngsters. On the one hand, several online matches
including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 aggressive actions and savage
characters
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characters,
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 have a great adverse impact on the behaviours of teenagers. As adolescents are addicted to harsh games, they might define themselves as the characters in these
ones
Check wording
games
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. Eventually, whenever going out in the real world, they intend to re-enact to show off their coolness without
concerning
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worrying
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 about consequences.
Furthermore
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, the youngsters commonly commit acts of some crimes
such
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 as abduction, shoplifting or grand larceny to buy armed weapons and update characters. These criminals
almost are
Correct word order
are almost
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 at
school-age
Use the right word
school age
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 and have no ability to earn an amount of money;
therefore
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, they are tempted to
experience
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engage in
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 reckless crime to make
fortune
Correct article usage
a fortune
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.
For instance
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, a case which
make
Wrong verb form
made
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such
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 a shake in Vietnam a few years ago described a 17-year-old student, who is addicted to games, in Nghe An
province
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province,
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 kidnapped a 5-year-old boy to blackmail the boy's family
and
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, and
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 in an abductive place, the little boy, unfortunately, passed away.
On the other hand
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, I believe there are other hazardous elements contributing to the alarming rate of juvenile wrongdoing
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such
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, such
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 as antisocial behaviour, depression, academic problems or loss of care from parents. Undoubtedly, it is easily
recognized
Change the spelling
recognised
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 that these universal consequences
are originated
Wrong verb form
originate
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 from the situations of being
victimized
Change the spelling
victimised
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, mental vulnerability, pressure at school or the lack of affection from busy parents.
This
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 accumulation of these risk components
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 destructive influences on the young's psychology and might create an excessive psychological disorder and motivate youngsters to
make
Verb problem
commit
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 criminal actions ultimately. To cite an example from my previous high school, a male student
after
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, after
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 being bullied for a long time by his
peers
Punctuation problem
peers,
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 prepared a metal murder weapon and secretly attacked the bullies.
As a result
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, he was taken to
reform
Correct article usage
a reform
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 school for several months. In conclusion, the escalating proportion of teenage cases stems from not only online matches with violent elements but
also
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 other risks which emerged in the lifestyle of juveniles.

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task response
Make your view clear in the first paragraph and keep it in the rest of the essay.
coherence
Group your points in order. Use sign words like first, also, finally to show idea order.
coherence
Add more detail to each main point. Explain how each point links to your view.
language
Check grammar and use verb and noun form correctly.
examples
Use real, clear examples that relate to the claim and are easy to read.
content
The writer gives a clear view with some support.
coherence
There are good linking words to show contrast and order.
structure
Some parts have good idea flow and structure.
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