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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the past, many male leaders have led our society to conflicts and violence. The world would be better governed and more peaceful if it was ruled by women. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

There is a controversial statement heating a debate over the fact that back in the old days, there was a wide range of disastrous wars and conflicts stemming from male leaders’ decisions, the world
Linking Words
hence might
Correct word order
might hence
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 be a better place if it were run by females. Personally, I consider myself an opponent of
this
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 perspective since I believe that one’s
gender
Use synonyms
 might have nothing to do with their leadership skills. On the one hand,
while
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 it is irrefutable that males are generally aggressive by nature, there is no robust evidence to prove that
gender
Use synonyms
 is the main factor that contributes to violent conflicts of male leaders in the past. There is
such
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 a common misconception that leaders’ decisions are determined very often by their natural dispositions, but it is public
opinions
Fix the agreement mistake
opinion
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 and social welfare that policies are validated.
For instance
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,
Hitler Adolf
Correct word order
Adolf Hitler
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 before World War II can be cited as a telling example, his attempt to establish a pure race of German people and
colonize
Change the spelling
colonise
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 Europe reflected more a common desire shared by the whole German society than his own will.
Therefore
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, it is
impulsive
Correct word choice
important
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 to note that the natural features of genders result in conflicts.
On the other hand
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, the point of view that genders affect one’s leadership qualities is
also
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 ungrounded.
Therefore
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, rulers of a nation should be voted based on their ability to govern a country
rather
Punctuation problem
, rather
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 than their
gender
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, those who are able to make appropriate decisions when it comes to tough situations.
Although
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 women might seem to be less combative, quarrelsome and ambitious than
males
Check wording
men
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, there are always exceptions that show the same decisiveness as their counterpart does.
For instance
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,
Magaret
Use the right word
Margaret
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 Thatcher, the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom had sent a naval task force to the battlefield and succeeded
to settle
Change preposition
in settling
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 the military conflict with Argentina.
Thus
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, the relationship between
gender
Use synonyms
 and peace-making is remote.
To sum up
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, it is by no means that genders affect the decision-making skills and leadership ability of a person, and both males and females can be qualified to become politicians and leaders of a nation.

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planning
Plan what you want to say. Start with your view, then two main ideas, then a short end.
language
Use easy words and short sentences. Break long lines to make them easy to read.
example
Use real and clear examples. Explain how they back your point.
structure
Check facts and keep one main idea per paragraph. Link ideas to the main view.
structure
The view is clear and kept to the topic.
content
The essay uses 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' to show sides.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • male-dominated leadership
  • empathetic
  • cooperative
  • inclusive society
  • governance
  • diversity
  • sustainable peace
  • social welfare
  • collaborative approach
  • international relations
  • leadership qualities
  • decision-making processes
What to do next:
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