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Writing Samples
Band 4

Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on problems of human beings. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#species #world #people #countries #individuals #animals #beings
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Today's media highlights the major natural disaster issue, "Animal extinct". Some communities argue that countries and individuals should prevent
this
 animal extinct symptom.
However
, many
crowd
Change to a plural noun
crowds
show examples
 don't believe that support endangered
animals
. because they claim dying
animals
 are caused by not only artificial
reasons
 but
also
 natural
reasons
. In
this
 essay, I am going to illustrate both sides.
To begin
, people argue the idea of protecting wild
animals
 for moral
reasons
. In early human civilization, people used to hunt
animals
 to survive hunger and cold. But as centuries
gose
Correct your spelling
go
 by, hunting
animals
 became an unnecessary activity to maintain our lives.
However
, agreed
for
Change preposition
that
show examples
 fame and selfishness couldn't stop a hunting activity.
For example
, an African elephant is in danger of extinct
by
Change preposition
because of
show examples
vicious outlaw hunting
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 poachers. The wild elephant's fangs are so rare and expensive that people are willing to pay
them
Change preposition
for them
show examples
 even
it
Correct word choice
if it
show examples
 is illegal. In fact, Not only African elephants,
numerous
Correct word choice
but numerous
show examples
animals
 got hunted for a temporary luxurious action.
Thus
 unless hunting behaviour
tackled
Wrong verb form
tackles
show examples
 morality, many associations attempt to protect
animals
 for these
reasons
.
Therefore
, some animal experts assume that animal
extinct
Replace the word
extinction
show examples
 occurs in a cycle of nature.
For example
, Cheeta is well known for being the most endangered animal in Africa.
Although
 they are the top rank in a cycle of nature, their survival and birth rate
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 relatively low. ,
Also
 Cheeta has a sensitive and introverted personality,
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 sometimes their poor mental condition interrupt mating and hunting activities.
According to
 the research,
cheeta
Correct your spelling
cheetah
 cups' survival rates are only 20% in general.
In other words
, "Animal extinct" could occur without human effects. Not only natural causes, but the maintenance to protecting
animals
also
 maintenance to protecting
animals
 costs too high to control by independent individuals or communities. In sum, many folks have an argument over protecting endangered
animals
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 countries and individuals. on the disagreement side, they argue that the symptom of dying
animals
 cannot be controlled by human action, because it is a cycle of nature.
However
, I believe the responsibility of killing
animals
 for selfishness, cannot be erased, In my opinion, to postpone an animal instinct, all endangered
animals
 should have more protection and support in the communities and countries.
Submitted by eunheaimo92 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are clearly present and fulfill their respective purposes. Additionally, provide a more structured approach to the essay to enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Ensure that all aspects of the task are addressed comprehensively. Provide clearer and more relevant examples to support the points made in the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • cascading effects
  • economic impacts
  • ecosystem
  • endangered species
  • environmental conservation
  • human welfare
  • moral duty
  • preserve
  • sustainable practices
  • habitats
  • interconnected
  • extinction
  • advocates
  • opponents
  • priority
What to do next:
Look at other essays: