Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?
It became a globally discussed issue that authority has a responsibility to control the level of overweight kids. I totally agree with
this
idea and in the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall discuss my point of view.
To begin
, obesity among the young generation became
a global problem all over the world. Wrong verb form
has become
In the
majority of overweight children is increasing because of leading a sedentary lifestyle. Change preposition
The
As a result
of a
high spread of ,technologies almost every child Correct article usage
the
spent
his time playing online games or having out on websites eating snacks in parallel, in order to go outside and do Wrong verb form
spends
ant
actions. Correct your spelling
any
For instance
, America is established as a country that has the highest proportion of suspended people.
Furthermore
, providing more opportunities to replace hard work with machines or methods, lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
youngers
to be obsessed. A bright example of Correct your spelling
youngsters
this
can be the fact that nowadays children became
lazier compared to the past and if they need to go to another place they choose the fastest and easiest way by having a taxi Wrong verb form
have become
instead
of walking or at least using public transportation. This
might have a greater impact on their health condition and that is
the main reason why ministers should provide more opportunities for adolescents to keep fit by providing more sports complexes and motivating them to burn calories as more
as it is possible.
In conclusion, Rephrase
much
although
obesity adiposity became
a common challenge these days, I believe that Wrong verb form
has become
government
should focus on Correct article usage
the government
this
issue and reduce the level of overweight kidsSubmitted by rruwwwa on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are basic and lack depth. Try to provide a more engaging introduction that clearly presents your stance and a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points effectively.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are relevant to the topic, but you could improve by providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Try to include statistics or studies that back up your claims.