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Band 4.5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
It became a globally discussed issue that authority has a responsibility to control the level of overweight kids. I totally agree with
this
 idea and in the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall discuss my point of view.
To begin
, obesity among the young generation
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a global problem all over the world.
In the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 majority of overweight children is increasing because of leading a sedentary lifestyle.
As a result
 of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 high spread of ,technologies almost every child
spent
Wrong verb form
spends
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 his time playing online games or having out on websites eating snacks in parallel, in order to go outside and do
ant
Correct your spelling
any
show examples
 actions.
For instance
, America is established as a country that has the highest proportion of suspended people.
Furthermore
, providing more opportunities to replace hard work with machines or methods,
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
show examples
 to be obsessed. A bright example of
this
 can be the fact that nowadays children
became
Wrong verb form
have become
show examples
 lazier compared to the past and if they need to go to another place they choose the fastest and easiest way by having a taxi
instead
 of walking or at least using public transportation.
This
 might have a greater impact on their health condition and
that is
 the main reason why ministers should provide more opportunities for adolescents to keep fit by providing more sports complexes and motivating them to burn calories as
more
Rephrase
much
show examples
 as it is possible. In conclusion,
although
 obesity adiposity
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a common challenge these days, I believe that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should focus on
this
 issue and reduce the level of overweight kids
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Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are basic and lack depth. Try to provide a more engaging introduction that clearly presents your stance and a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points effectively.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are relevant to the topic, but you could improve by providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Try to include statistics or studies that back up your claims.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
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