IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
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It became a globally discussed issue that authority has a responsibility to control the level of overweight kids. I totally agree with
this
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 idea and in the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall discuss my point of view.
To begin
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, obesity among the young generation
became
Wrong verb form
has become
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 a global problem all over the world.
In the
Change preposition
The
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 majority of overweight children is increasing because of leading a sedentary lifestyle.
As a result
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 of
a
Correct article usage
the
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 high spread of ,technologies almost every child
spent
Wrong verb form
spends
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 his time playing online games or having out on websites eating snacks in parallel, in order to go outside and do
ant
Correct your spelling
any
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 actions.
For instance
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, America is established as a country that has the highest proportion of suspended people.
Furthermore
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, providing more opportunities to replace hard work with machines or methods,
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
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 to be obsessed. A bright example of
this
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 can be the fact that nowadays children
became
Wrong verb form
have become
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 lazier compared to the past and if they need to go to another place they choose the fastest and easiest way by having a taxi
instead
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 of walking or at least using public transportation.
This
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 might have a greater impact on their health condition and
that is
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 the main reason why ministers should provide more opportunities for adolescents to keep fit by providing more sports complexes and motivating them to burn calories as
more
Rephrase
much
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 as it is possible. In conclusion,
although
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 obesity adiposity
became
Wrong verb form
has become
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 a common challenge these days, I believe that
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should focus on
this
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 issue and reduce the level of overweight kids
Submitted by rruwwwa on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are basic and lack depth. Try to provide a more engaging introduction that clearly presents your stance and a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points effectively.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are relevant to the topic, but you could improve by providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Try to include statistics or studies that back up your claims.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
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