IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people think that too much attention and resources are given to the protection of wild animals and birds. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #attention #resources #protection #animals #birds
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It has been pointed out that the government and the general public invest too much energy and funding to protect a wide range of wild creatures. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea as preserving wild creatures has countless benefits in terms of the advancement of agriculture and
medicines
Fix the agreement mistake
medicine
show examples
. First of all, wild insects have positive impacts on the development of agriculture.
Due to
Linking Words
 the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 populations, individuals have to convert woodland and wasteland, in which there are countless amount of pests, into agricultural land in order to harvest much grain and survive. The pests are the food of wild animals, so they can eat pests naturally, which reduces the workload of farmers,
thus
Linking Words
 reducing the risks of being destroyed
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 agricultural land.
For example
Linking Words
, in China, a significant number of farmers state that birds eat insects every summer, which not only saves their time to look after their land but
also
Linking Words
 saves money to purchase pesticides, resulting in more rice
can be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 harvested.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, investing a great deal of money and energy to conserve animals prompts medical development.
This
Linking Words
 is because several wildlife and human beings have similar lifestyles and body structures, so observing and collecting data about wild species provide researchers amazing opportunities to consider a new illness from different angles,
thus
Linking Words
 promoting rare illnesses to be cured and more medicines to be produced.
For instance
Linking Words
, a Japanese professor said that he went to forests or regional areas to observe birds’ lifestyles in order to invent a new medicine to treat throat pain effectively. After 10 years of experiments and efforts, he found a new medicine successfully.
Although
Linking Words
 people may vary in their opinion about whether the authorities and ordinary individuals spend too much time and resources preserving wild species, I am of the opinion that every single person ought to be encouraged to take charge of the protection of wild animals as it benefits not only the gain of foodstuff but
also
Linking Words
 the development of medicines.
Submitted by strawberry.guan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt, but the arguments lack depth and clear development. Provide more detailed and varied examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a recognizable introduction and conclusion, but the overall structure and organization need improvement. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports the main argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecological balance
  • species extinction
  • wildlife conservation
  • sustainable development
  • ecosystem services
  • habitat destruction
  • endangered species
  • conservation efforts
  • natural heritage
  • human encroachment
  • poaching
  • genetic diversity
  • climate change
  • environmental stewardship
  • protection measures
  • wildlife sanctuary
  • biological significance
  • conservation biology
  • environmental advocacy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: