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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that having a set retirement age for everybody regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive pension at an early age. Do you agree or disagree?

Generally speaking,
Correct your spelling
retirement
retrirement
Correct article usage
the retrirement
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 is 65 years old in
this
Linking Words
 day and
age
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. Regarding
this
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 assert that it is not fair to set the same
age
Use synonyms
 for retirement as some jobs are more dangerous than others. I strongly believe that some specific employees who work in certain dangerous industries should retire earlier and be
recieved
Correct your spelling
received
pension
Correct article usage
a pension
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 earlier than
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
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. 
Firstly
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, it is generally acknowledged that hospitals
has
Change the verb form
have
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 a harmful atmosphere since there are a lot of viruses and bacteria. When
people
Use synonyms
 get
Add an article
the order
an order
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order
Correct your spelling
older
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, their body is increasingly weak, thereby leading to
weak
Correct article usage
a weak
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 immune system.
Therefore
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, old workers who work at a hospital have more chances to get illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as AIDs and tuberculosis. 
Moreover
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, because healthcare workers have to move patients' bodies in order to prevent
bed sores
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bedsores
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, aged
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
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 tend to easily get hurt.
For example
Linking Words
, recent media in Korea has revealed that almost 30% of healthcare individuals have pain
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their back and wrist as they have to deal with heavy patients. As the example clearly
illustates
Correct your spelling
illustrates
, healthcare workers
such
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 as nurses and
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caregivers
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care givers
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caregivers
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 should retire at an early
age
Use synonyms
 not to be hurt.
Next
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, some certain
occupation
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occupations
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such
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 as police officers, the army, and security guards which protect citizens need physical
strenghth
Correct your spelling
strength
 because they sometimes have to stop violent criminals. After
people
Use synonyms
 become older, their
muscle
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muscles
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 and power are reduced.
Hence
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, not only can they not be able to protect others, but they may
also
Linking Words
 fail to save themselves.
For instance
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, a survey conducted by the Korea Labor Foundation has
revelaed
Correct your spelling
revealed
 that the majority of employers are afraid to hire old guards since their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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 are not reliable to protect inhabitants.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is reasonable to point out that
armforce
Correct your spelling
arm force
are force
 should take a rest earlier than other jobs for safety. In conclusion, some
people
Use synonyms
 who work in a harmful environment and protect others should retire earlier than other jobs as their bodies are not perfect
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 coping with
such
Linking Words
environment
Correct article usage
an environment
show examples
.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • pension
  • physically demanding
  • mentally draining
  • emotionally draining
  • economic implications
  • financial burden
  • health and life expectancy
  • uniform retirement age
  • flexible approach
  • job satisfaction
  • early retirement
  • occupational fairness
  • social security system
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